New Here _2

[may22]

Hey McRamone,

I started this post yesterday before you went after Ginger, and am not sure why I'm still going to post it but since it is already written maybe it will help you or someone else.

Everyone here is truly here to help and has either gone through their own similar, difficult situation or is currently still struggling with it. I recall early on you said you wanted to work on strengthening your empathy muscles-- can you practice that here? I strongly recommend you take what CW has said to heart. Instead of lashing out and putting others down, can you put your emotional response aside and try to listen to what is being said? Is there any kernel of truth? Are there things you might improve upon in how you interact with others such that you can be a better friend, partner, father, colleague?

If it matters, I stopped posting because I was turned off by the things you were saying to others, and TBH it struck a nerve with me. My H also can be arrogant and combative, especially in the years leading up to BD. I did not cheat on him or walk out, but I did cut him off from intimacy and sex, partially because of things to do with me and partially because he was being an @ss, totally full of himself, and not being a good partner. Seeing you write cruel barbs full of disdain to disprove strangers on the internet who are only trying to help really made me think that wow, now I get what your wife is feeling and why she's doing what she's doing.

You also come across as not very respectful of other people, not just here but in your R with your W. The privacy thing is a good example-- you didn't grow up with respecting others' privacy, and she did... but when the time came for you to either respect her wishes or just follow what you've always done, you just did what you wanted without taking her thoughts or feelings into consideration. You shared what your love language is but not hers-- I'm assuming you know it, but through what you're sharing you're focusing on how you didn't get what you needed from the relationship and how that made you respond, not what was happening for your wife and how you were trying to respect and meet her needs.

Getting so upset and lashing out when people are saying you should be prepared for the A to have been physical, for it to still be going on, for this to be a stepping stone to D... that really isn't productive for you. These are all possibilities. I also was totally convinced that my H wasn't having a PA (and before he disclosed the EA, would have sworn backwards and forwards that he wouldn't ever have cheated or lied) and it was Steve who told me to be prepared. I thought, no way, there were all these logical reasons why not... but I was wrong and was really glad, in the end, that I had done the mental preparation. (Thanks Steve!) I also really, really didn't want to S or D but in the end, opening myself up to the reality that my H *did* want to S/D also allowed me to totally let go (and if you've read my story, you might know that it was that final step of me saying GTFO and my H having secured an apartment when he finally saw that there were no barriers to him leaving, and that he actually wanted to stay M). It was all very protracted and painful. I guess I'm just saying all this to say-- I know how you feel and it $ucks. But also, pretending it isn't happening won't get you anywhere. You need to really face reality here and I think this is what many of the posters are/were trying to do in this context. Maybe she isn't having an A-- but you're much better off if you realize it is a possibility (especially as she had one before) and can come to terms with the fact that she may, indeed, be wanting to separate in order to end the M.

The final thing I wanted to say is that most of the posters here do advocate for what MWD calls the last-last resort technique (if I remember that correctly). I questioned that too, in my sitch, and vets said that it is because most of the LBSs that end up here are in that really dire situation where the LLRT is called for. It was not appropriate in my situation and I did not do it. It may not be appropriate in yours, in fact I do think you have the chance to save your M without employing the LLRT. But-- and this is the big but-- the way you do that is through focusing on YOU, not her, or all us jerks here on this board. What can you do differently? What are 180s you can work on for yourself? What kind of person do you want to be? Are you okay being tagged as an arrogant jerk or do you want to be a more empathetic person? If you don't want to be an @ss-- DON'T. Feels like this forum would be a great place for you to practice taking that chip off your shoulder. Your wife needs her space and time to do her own work to determine whether or not she wants to stay married to you. You can't force that process. it is hers and hers alone. Focus on how you can become the best McR you can be and give her the space to find her own path. She needs to choose you, and it can't be forced.

Good luck,
May