The weird thing is, the more determined I am now, the more he listens. I've also learned that if I say my sentences in a friendly but quite forceful way, he now listens effectively and follows what I'm saying. I've never experienced this with him.
Do you mean you’ve never experienced this with H for the entire marriage or more just MLCer H? Either way shows an interesting growth on H’s (and your) part. D
Interesting question to ask. Haven’t thought about that. Never anymore while in MLC. Before that he did but I was more of the listener and him more the talker but that definitely changed from my side, seems him as well. I will follow your advice and strengthen this gently.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Eagle3
This means that he will come back to live in the house temporarily (at my request) until he finds an apartment which he can rent on short contract.
How long did you give him or expect him to be under your roof? (Unmet expectations and all. Do realize and keep them at zero.) D
I have not given a date as yet. I have given him the rules to follow and he knows that if these are not met he will have to go to a hotel. That has been made very clear. I know I have to keep my expectations at zero, and I’m aware this will not be easy. As I said before there is hope (and for me expectations and hope are still kind of linked together) but it is not that I can still be BD’d. I can live with or without him. I definitely reached that stage for almost a year now.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like I have to do this.
Do not make life altering decisions based upon feelings. I do get why you are doing what you are doing. However, does this better capture your “feelings”? - Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like think I have to do this. Or better yet. - Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like believe I have to do this. While clarifying, it’s not the risk you are trying to acknowledge/justify it’s the consequences. And that little word “but” is pretty indicative of contrary ideals being smushed together. Is this a statement you can say? - There is a chance of some undesirable consequences which I am willing to accept. Thoughts, beliefs, convictions, and realization. Make your decisions based upon them. By the way, I do believe you are leading your decisions-making properly; you’re just running it through your emotional filter to see how you feel about it. And that is the risky part. D
Damn, I have formulated it wrongly again. Not mother tongue…😊 I firmly believe this is what I have to do. I told my mother a few days ago that I’m convinced I have to do this, as otherwise I would regret it. So yes, I can definitely say this statement, without a doubt, I’m not a doubter at all. Never have been.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I told him he must be surrounded with love and warmth and be close to his children, taken into account that there are clearly imposed rules.
Nicely done stating the boundaries. And even in writing. That does, hopefully, illustrate H’s willingness to adhere to them. Telling H what he needed, although went over well, is not generally a good idea. Yes, you may actually know what he needs. Problem is, he needs to discover what he needs. Or perhaps learn to articulate it. For example, H coming to you and requesting to be close to his children. Remember MLCers are not like us LBS actively looking for betterment and enlightenment. They will eventually get to that phase after depression and withdrawal. Anyhow, no big deal, this is after all a strange path. One which you are walking really well. D
Yes, you are right, but I know this is what he wants from what he told me the past days/weeks. Normal H has always been a person who had difficulties formulating what he wants, definitely when it concerns emotions. He can show it but can’t express it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Do you have any advice on how to deal with certain things because this will be completely new to me.
First, let’s tackle the elephant in the room. The divorce/separation agreement still planned to be signed mid-December and living under same roof and surrounded by love and children and happy Christmas joy. Certainly, some cake and eating it too. Eagle, I completely support you and I’m confused. I’m pretty rational, imagine how H views this. I think you want to delay signing the divorce. That’s ok. Actually, given all that is going on, perhaps it’s even better. H could have come back to home country and stayed in a hotel and only visit during the day to be close to children. Your hopeful arrangements beckon a different outcome than divorced. Might as well have the actions match the words. Delay signing until February. Then reassess. Now, to be clear, this is risky! However, life is full of risks. And consequences. And benefits. The pressure of divorce is undoubted propelling H. If he signed and all that was awaiting was your signature… Hmmm. I don’t like the Sword of Damocles hanging over H’s head. Or anyone’s. Fear is not a good, nor lasting, influence for behaviour modification or growth. A delay should probably be openly discussed and agreed upon. You could, and should, tell H why you are proposing to delay. His demonstrated behaviour. Positive reinforcement is a good influence for lasting behaviour change. H is demonstrating positive behaviour. (I am figuring there are no OW’s in the picture. If there are, scratch all this.) As I’ve stated before, this is all for you. Your very question of how to deal with this new unknown territory shows you are not wanting, or ready, to be “divorced and done”. Of course, “done” was not your path. Not yet anyhow. Perhaps H needs to hear that. Perhaps you needed to hear that. D
I have difficulties answering this part. I simply don’t know yet if I want to delay the D, and I definitely don’t know what he wants and for this you need to be with 2. Yes, my desire has always been reconciliation, but this with an H that suits me, can make me happy, treat me with respect and loves me, in short someone who I want to be with, not the MLC H. This one I don’t want anymore. I still want to be there for MLC H in a certain way but not stay married to him. If I see he is trying and there is progress, even when it is slow, I would certainly be patient and try to delay the D, but this is not only up to me. This is also his decision, and until now we haven’t talked about that yet. This will become clear in the coming weeks.
Would you, in my case, start the conversation about delaying when there is progress noticeable, or would you let him lead (which I think he won’t)? What if he says, “definitely not, why would you want to do that?” I want to be prepared.