They do give up, throw away, everything for that fantasy. That’s a huge cost; and shame, guilt, and so on; to walk back.
Originally Posted by Adios
It’s easy to think it’s all wonderful in their fantasy life. I would hate if it was all wonderful. I do know it’s not though and have known for a couple of years but still,,, the relationship carries on. How? What is the glue that keeps them together?
It’s more a glue that prevents them from leaving.
They are stuck and entrapped, in an unhealthy relationship.
Originally Posted by Adios
…I would LOVE to hear my H says he regrets what he did. Why is that important to me, I wonder? I don’t want a restoration but I want to hear him say ‘I messed up’.
Because, “I would hate if it was all wonderful.”
It is difficult to let go of ego. That need to be right. To be validated. Vindicated.
Hearing H admit his regrets is important to you because you make it important. Not in a manner that holds you back or anything, just a validation.
It’s also part of binary logical thinking. Right and wrong. Good and bad. True or false. We incorrectly conclude, if H is right then I must be wrong. Or for me to be right, he has to be wrong. Nope. Neither is correct.
Each view can be independently viewed on its own for rightness, which is dependent upon the one deciding. I’ve found a pretty good viewpoint is that there are multiple truths. We all hold a certain view/truth of things, and that doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s view/truth or make it false.
If you notice, right and wrong, became true and false. Using right and wrong gets it mixed up with morality. All I’m referring to is the truth of a person’s viewpoint, and that is always through their own lens. Very few people are the villain of their own story.
A question. Have you forgiven H?
Forgiveness and acceptance are closely tied. Forgiving requires letting go of our need for vengeance and grudges and such.
Acceptance can be a “fine it’s over” kind of a thing. Or a more compassionate understanding forgiving path. Curious where you find yourself currently.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
