I've been wondering if I'm going through the cycle of grief. I've done the denial, anger and think sometimes I getting to the depressed stage.
In all fairness she has done well on the "not coming to see me in my room" and I've arranged for another assistant to take her place when she'd normally be supporting her class in my lessons, but by god, there has been literally NO contact. Polite "hello" if we pass in the corridor but no more. We're treating each other as polite co-workers for weeks, and it does my head in.
I woke up a 4 the other morning bawling my eyes out. A real low point. Having completely no news of her seems even worse, and I still miss her dreadfully.
The idea of working with her is a tough one, and the chance of a position at a new school has come up. After 16 years of working at the same place, it may well be the time to move schools, if only so I don't constantly see reminders of her.
So I applied. Let's see what happens there.
On another note, she has managed to secure a position as a teacher (rather than an assistant) in our school starting in January, which will mean I will be seeing more of her than usual - staff meetings and so on. This made my decision to apply for a new job more necessary.
She was told this morning that she got the position. Then a strange thing happened.
She found me in the staff room and beckoned me into a work room to tell me she got the position and gave me a massive hug. It is really brilliant for her, and I am truly happy for her - it's something she has wanted for an eternity, and for this to fall into her lap is amazingly fortunate. But to hear her voice and to actually be hugged by her...felt so, so good.
Hopefully anyone who reads this will be proud of the way I just told her how happy I was for her and left it at that. No "I miss you so badly". No "Let's talk". No "Let's try to fix this". Not even a "Great, now you can start paying your part of the mortgage now you have a wage increase". Just calm and genuinely pleased to see her so happy.
At least I heard her voice. At least I had a hug. And deep down delighted that she wanted to tell me in person.
