My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

It certainly appears that H is experiencing a significant internal shift. This will be as disorienting to him (and you) as much as when he first shifted into running. The speed between emotional states - excited, angry, withdrawn, childish, depressed - is still much beyond his rational influence. Perfectly normal progress, and rather healthy steps towards healing (not stuck running is a good thing). There will be a length of time as he finds himself and becomes comfortable in his own skin. And there will likely be falls and setbacks.

Impending holiday festivities is a common driver for crisis individuals to peek out of the tunnel. In H’s case it’s propelling him along his awakening path. This type of pressure is a good thing for an MLCer. It is mostly self-regulated and does not come from the LBS.

It is a very good sign to see H letting go playing the victim. Remaining on that trajectory will certainly be beneficial for him. Let’s hope he does.

Late last week it had unseen heights (suicidal tendencies) that prompted me to tell him to return to his homeland immediately to be closer to us and the family.
He listened to this and will return this week.

A nice compassionate response by you. Your heart is in the right place.

The depth of depression an MLCer will experience is incredible. Like their at first unrealized pain and trauma(s), their depression is dark and all enveloping. They will be consumed by it, and they need to work through it.

That level of depression brings tendencies - really more thoughts and feelings than actions; more imagined than crafted into real. These tendencies are normal and seldom followed through. The ones that usual follow through are the ones who do not speak about their tendencies. We do not know they are feeling suicidal. For those who we do know - one’s who have shared - the risk is lower.

H listening and accepting your offer to return home is interesting.

The weird thing is, the more determined I am now, the more he listens.
I've also learned that if I say my sentences in a friendly but quite forceful way, he now listens effectively and follows what I'm saying.
I've never experienced this with him.

Do you mean you’ve never experienced this with H for the entire marriage or more just MLCer H?

Either way shows an interesting growth on H’s (and your) part.

Everything in life, including any possible resolution of marital strife (yes, even MLC), requires effective communication. Both a willingness to listen/hear, and the ability to find a way to translate your intended message for the target recipient. It looks like you and H have a bridge somewhat built now. Strengthen it. (Gently )

This means that he will come back to live in the house temporarily (at my request) until he finds an apartment which he can rent on short contract.

How long did you give him or expect him to be under your roof? (Unmet expectations and all. Do realize and keep them at zero.)

Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like I have to do this.

Do not make life altering decisions based upon feelings.

I do get why you are doing what you are doing. However, does this better capture your “feelings”?

- Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like think I have to do this.

Or better yet.

- Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like believe I have to do this.

While clarifying, it’s not the risk you are trying to acknowledge/justify it’s the consequences. And that little word “but” is pretty indicative of contrary ideals being smushed together.

Is this a statement you can say?

- There is a chance of some undesirable consequences which I am willing to accept.

Thoughts, beliefs, convictions, and realization. Make your decisions based upon them. By the way, I do believe you are leading your decisions-making properly; you’re just running it through your emotional filter to see how you feel about it. And that is the risky part.

I told him he must be surrounded with love and warmth and be close to his children, taken into account that there are clearly imposed rules.

Nicely done stating the boundaries. And even in writing. That does, hopefully, illustrate H’s willingness to adhere to them.

Telling H what he needed, although went over well, is not generally a good idea. Yes, you may actually know what he needs. Problem is, he needs to discover what he needs. Or perhaps learn to articulate it. For example, H coming to you and requesting to be close to his children.

Remember MLCers are not like us LBS actively looking for betterment and enlightenment. They will eventually get to that phase after depression and withdrawal.

Anyhow, no big deal, this is after all a strange path. One which you are walking really well.

Do you have any advice on how to deal with certain things because this will be completely new to me.

First, let’s tackle the elephant in the room. The divorce/separation agreement still planned to be signed mid-December and living under same roof and surrounded by love and children and happy Christmas joy. Certainly, some cake and eating it too.

Eagle, I completely support you and I’m confused. I’m pretty rational, imagine how H views this.

I think you want to delay signing the divorce. That’s ok. Actually, given all that is going on, perhaps it’s even better.

H could have come back to home country and stayed in a hotel and only visit during the day to be close to children. Your hopeful arrangements beckon a different outcome than divorced. Might as well have the actions match the words. Delay signing until February. Then reassess.

Now, to be clear, this is risky! However, life is full of risks. And consequences. And benefits.

The pressure of divorce is undoubted propelling H. If he signed and all that was awaiting was your signature… Hmmm. I don’t like the Sword of Damocles hanging over H’s head. Or anyone’s. Fear is not a good, nor lasting, influence for behaviour modification or growth.

A delay should probably be openly discussed and agreed upon. You could, and should, tell H why you are proposing to delay. His demonstrated behaviour.

Positive reinforcement is a good influence for lasting behaviour change. H is demonstrating positive behaviour. (I am figuring there are no OW’s in the picture. If there are, scratch all this.)

As I’ve stated before, this is all for you. Your very question of how to deal with this new unknown territory shows you are not wanting, or ready, to be “divorced and done”. Of course, “done” was not your path. Not yet anyhow. Perhaps H needs to hear that. Perhaps you needed to hear that.

Some advice on how to deal with certain things because it will be completely new to you. Well, your path is not new to you. Keep walking it.

We all make choices and learn from them. The future is unknown and all one can do is the best they can.

H is demonstrating some really positive signs. Your desire has always been reconciliation. There is an opportunity before you. Take it. Gently and slowly. See where it goes. You’ve got plenty of time.

Now that the elephant is dealt with, dealing with H and his awakening. Dig for patience! And then dig some more!

Oh my, at times H is going to appear to progress maddeningly slow. Even appear stopped. People’s progress is internal and only some of it externally shows until later on.

You do you. Keep walking your path. Live, love, be compassionate, be kind, forgive, etc… H will catch up. Look at what he has done so far. More importantly, look at what you’ve done!

Do not go backwards. You love the new and improved and wiser and stronger you. And that is attracting H. However, that is just a bonus, your primary goal and purpose was and is you.

A few certain things that will pop up. H will be moody. He will be depressed. He will withdrawal. Let him. He needs to traverse his emotions and find acceptance.

Communicate openly and honestly. That doesn’t mean telling everything upfront and overwhelming H. Let him lead the pace. You will have to often bite your tongue.

You have questions for him. Answers will come. Do not push. In fact, once (if) you two get to that point those questions/answers actually won’t be as pressing anymore.

Remember, as things come up with H, it’s ok to take time to consider a response or action. To tell him, let me think about that for a bit.

You are doing really well Eagle.

D