In the meantime he has been back in the country where he currently lives for 2 weeks and he is really not doing well. He realizes more and more what has happened in recent years and depression has once again taken the upper hand, but in a different way from what I saw in the passed, much more realization now, not playing victim anymore as he used to do when depressed. He is very unhappy there and I suspect that he might lose his job. (luckily he gets a huge severance pay when that happens) He has moments when he is still very withdrawn and angry, but these are very short-lived, especially when I talk to him about it, he allows that now. His cycling between the different phases is present in unseen speed. (excited, angry, withdrawn, childish, depressed) It's so obvious that I can recognize it even from such a distance just from the messages he sends to the kids and me. The weird thing is, the more determined I am now, the more he listens. I've also learned that if I say my sentences in a friendly but quite forceful way, he now listens effectively and follows what I'm saying. I've never experienced this with him.
Late last week it had unseen heights (suicidal tendencies) that prompted me to tell him to return to his homeland immediately to be closer to us and the family. He listened to this and will return this week. This means that he will come back to live in the house temporarily (at my request) until he finds an apartment which he can rent on short contract. Yes, this is a risk but I now feel like I have to do this. I told him he must be surrounded with love and warmth and be close to his children, taken into account that there are clearly imposed rules.
I have followed the advice given to most people here and so I made clear rules and forwarded them to him. This goes from open communication, treating me and the children with respect, indicating if something is not going well in a respectful way, to the division of the household tasks, not drinking, as well as psychiatric help. For the latter I have given him some time until he is ready for it himself, the rest will be with immediate effect. He has agreed to everything.
If he does not follow one of the above agreed rules, he has to go to a hotel.
I also have everything in writing.
Nothing was discussed about the D, everything continues for the time being. The agreement will still be signed mid-December as planned.
Do you have any advice on how to deal with certain things because this will be completely new to me.
