New Here _2

[MLCxH]

I understand and relate to your frustration.

Sorry but this is a crock. The site literally says "How to save your marriage" Not "How to survive a divorce."

This is a common problem and I understand how the wrong expectation that is set is annoying and frustrating. From my personal observation, there are only a small percentage of posters that end up on this forum reconciling with their spouses. It is often too late by the time we end up here. However, from what I have seen some of the counter intuitive advice is often the best course of action for the LBS regardless. The LBS has limited control on what their WAS spouse will do. The only thing the LBS controls is what they do and the advice is geared towards that.

I came to this forum expecting to save my marriage too and realized that this forum won’t likely help me get to my goal. On the flip side, I also realized that there were no other good alternatives to save my marriage either. Once a glass of milk is dropped on the floor, there are limited options to recover and consume that milk. If you are lucky you can fetch some new milk in the same glass but often even the glass has to be replaced. Similarly, you have to accept that your old relationship with your W has ended. You can start a new relationship with your wife (fetch fresh new milk in the same glass) if you’re lucky. If not, you have to prepare yourself to get fresh milk in a new glass (start a new relationship with a new person). Trying to drink the milk off the floor with pieces of broken glass in it can be dangerous and some of the advice helps prevent that. And yes, I do understand that’s not the advice that brought you to this forum.

Some people will grow...some wont. Time will heal most of the wounds - regardless. There are 100s of methods.

That’s accurate. If there is a method that works better for you, you should adopt that. You have realized by now that every person’s advice in this forum is influenced by their personal opinions and the advice varies. You have to pick what works for you. However, that does not mean you only pick the advice that aligns with what you are comfortable with. You need to take a step back, get out of your comfort zone, identify and face your flaws. If you are defensive you are losing a valuable opportunity to help yourself and potentially salvage restart a new relationship with your W.

It's funny you say "grow" is a measure of success. You see posters who called me out - making the same mistakes on other parts of the forum in their second or third relationship. Some who can't manage parts of their own lives. There are a least a couple of posters who got someone pregnant while still married to their spouse. At least one success story is from a guy domineering to his W. It's not a superiority complex, it's just pointing out the truth. The truth is ugly and people like to hide from their own truth.

The only thing you said that is true is this
[quote] posters here are people

.

Absolutely right! They are people and it is harder to follow advice than dish it out. That does not mean the advice is incorrect. Doctors advice their patients to eat a healthy diet and maintain a healthy weight. Yet, you see a lot of overweight doctors. There are many doctors who smoke or even consume drugs. That does not mean their advice is incorrect. Don’t judge the advice by the ability of the person to lead by example.

But I think they forget that people like me are also human - who make mistakes, have flaws and have feelings. I am a real person behind the post who is experiencing a hurt like no other. A hurt...you think these people would have some empathy with. But I think they forget that people like me are also human - who make mistakes, have flaws and have feelings. My W is also a person who I love.

Many posters tend to be blunt. Sometimes they are judgmental and many times the advise can be wrong. Understand that they are not professionals, just ordinary people. That is why one of the oft repeated advice is to get into iC. You need to have professional guidance and use this as a supplement and not the other way around. That does not mean the advice won’t help you. You are a smart person and can discern what advice makes sense and what does not. Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.

In reading their stories, 99% have made all the same mistakes. No one here has all the answers. No one here knows everyone's situation.

The advice you are getting is based on the experience of the posters. As you said it, most of them have made the same mistakes and lived through the consequences. Some of them are still making mistakes because there is a difference between knowing what to do and doing it. They are rooting for you and don’t want you to repeat their mistakes.

I realize it was a mistake to come here. I wasn't looking for how to forget my W or how to divorce my W. I thought this place would offer me a space to talk through things and vent on what was happening. It ended up being a net negative.
Now you can just chalk it down to an isolated person, but the fact is there isn't much traffic here and I can't help but think the toxicity and negativity is a part of it.

For many ending up on this forum is serendipity. If there is one thing this site is good at, it is holding up a mirror for you to see the harsh reality of your situation. I agree that the discussions can get toxic and negative at times and that is one reason I don’t post as much. However, I don’t think the discussion has been toxic on your thread. As frustrated as you are, I think the posters are frustrated more because of your defensiveness. I would encourage you to be less defensive and view the advice in the context of what you can do given the limited options in your sitch rather than the goal of salvaging your old relationship. Don’t set your goal as wanting to drink spilt milk from a potentially broken glass.