This is just my opinion, so take it for what it is worth (or not):
A lot of the vets here are smart people and their advice is usually spot on. I can understand why some of the advice feels like a one size fits all approach - but it is not for reasons that you may think.
I read a post a while ago from LH who said that he was taking a break because he was giving a lot of negative advice. I've seen that from most people here from day 1.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
In most scenarios, there are genuine reasons for a WAS to leave and most of the advice will only work after you identify and fix the problems that led to the WAS leaving. For example, no amount of GAL is going to re-attract your W till she sees changes in you. On the contrary, the separation will reinforce her decision as long as she continues to see offending behaviors. Reading through your thread, it is easy to identify many reasons that could have possibly led to the deterioration of your relationship. Other posters have called out some specific flaws and you had mentioned your W and MC had communicated reasons to you too, which you categorized as them ‘ganging up on you’. As long as you are defensive, your chances of R are low. Many posters here are people that are otherwise successful despite any relationship failures, so having a superiority complex will not help your cause.
The measure of success here is not whether your W returns to you because that is no longer in your control, whether you admit it or not. Your true measure of success is whether you learn and grow from this experience to become a better person that can have better relationships going forward, romantic or otherwise.
Sorry but this is a crock. The site literally says "How to save your marriage" Not "How to survive a divorce." Some people will grow...some wont. Time will heal most of the wounds - regardless. There are 100s of methods.
It's funny you say "grow" is a measure of success. You see posters who called me out - making the same mistakes on other parts of the forum in their second or third relationship. Some who can't manage parts of their own lives. There are a least a couple of posters who got someone pregnant while still married to their spouse. At least one success story is from a guy domineering to his W. It's not a superiority complex, it's just pointing out the truth. The truth is ugly and people like to hide from their own truth.
The only thing you said that is true is this
Quote
posters here are people
.
My mistake is sometimes forgetting that. It's easy to see words on a screen being negative in post after post and forget there is a real person behind the computer. For that I apologize.
But I think they forget that people like me are also human - who make mistakes, have flaws and have feelings. I am a real person behind the post who is experiencing a hurt like no other. A hurt...you think these people would have some empathy with. But I think they forget that people like me are also human - who make mistakes, have flaws and have feelings. My W is also a person who I love.
In reading their stories, 99% have made all the same mistakes. No one here has all the answers. No one here knows everyone's situation.
I realize it was a mistake to come here. I wasn't looking for how to forget my W or how to divorce my W. I thought this place would offer me a space to talk through things and vent on what was happening. It ended up being a net negative. Now you can just chalk it down to an isolated person, but the fact is there isn't much traffic here and I can't help but think the toxicity and negativity is a part of it.
