Well, it’s been a minute since I started a thread. I guess I decided to start one as somewhat of a journal. Maybe check in once in a blue moon. I just want everyone to know I read along. I rarely comment, but I’m rooting you on from behind the scenes.
Kid- she’s a freshman in high school now! When did that happen?! She’s thriving in her new school, Made new friends immediately and is outgoing and happy. She’s quite the social butterfly. She fits in very well at this school. They are all very good academically focused kids. It’s not a regular high school. These kids are like minded and focused and don’t get in trouble. And it’s a parents dream. She did get her first career C which was in French. But so did the rest of her class. So I went easy on her. Her sport is swimming, and because neither Hugh school has it. We pay and she loves it. She doesn’t compete but is on a team that trains for competition. The pool is at a local gym and we joined together and we work out together on the weekends. She’s still a wise ass teen ( no idea where she got that from) but is a good kid. I’m super proud of her.
Job- I still love my job. It’s been getting a little more exhausting because we are so short staffed. But I love my coworkers. I regret sometimes not going for the managerial position , my coworkers still see me as that resource, but it is what it is. I still work my second job too .
Friends-I have really become close with my coworkers. We do a lot of social things together. They are just the most awesome non judge mental fun people . We have a partner sponsored event nearly every week lately and we basically get wines and dined and all get to hang out and have fun. I love them all. And this summer I went to a country music festival at the beach with the nurses on my unit and we had a blast!
Ex- well, the ex is the ex. Not a big part of my life. He does weird stuff like him and my daughter walked in my house last week with no warning, scared the poop out of me, then he took his hat off to scare me because he shaved his head. I was taken a back because he has always had hair. Then he asks for a glass of wine and hangs out. Anyone I tell this weird stuff to thinks he still holds a little bit of a torch for me. I doubt it, but I imagine if I said “ want to have sec” he would surely say yes and cheat on his wife. My daughter still tells me His wife is always speaking no nicely about me and “really likes me” she will see something I might like in a store and buy it for me. Weird.
Money- a constant issue that will likely never go away until my daughter graduates and I can move. I just can barely afford this state. My mortgage and taxes are unbelievable . I’m drowning and living paycheck to paycheck and there isn’t much more I can do about to. I’m frugal in most areas. I get by, but I am kind of sick of just getting by. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel in the next few years and leaving to a cheaper area to live a simple life. I thought about taking advantage of local travel nursing contracts because they would solve my problems, but I don’t want to give up my current job
Health- well, I am getting my yearly surgery next Thursday. This stupid knee, 3 rd procedure. All because I wanted to have some fun and play volleyball a few years ago. I have lots of pain and he needs to re clean up my meniscus and remove scar tissue. Eh, it gives me 2 weeks off of work and I’m looking forward to that. I did lose some weight, I feel better, but I have another 15 lbs to go. Otherwise im a rather healthy 41 year old woman. Grateful for that.
Dating- this area of my life may always be a train wreck and i realize that. I have dated ALOT this year. I have had alot of sex this year, lol. I definitely went through a hoe phase, lol. One or 2 one nighters. Some I dated for a bit. I am afraid I am now the avoidant. I cannot get close to anyone. I feel nothing for anyone. One guy really really likes me and k ended it and he just keeps telling me how much he misses me. But I just know he isn’t the one . I don’t want to lead him on. I don’t want to use him. The guy I liked the most who I saw on and off for a few months ( I did not have sex with him) is going through alot with his very recent ex. He also has a 3 and 5 year old. I can’t do that again. We have an awesome time together. He’s really a cool as heck guy. But he commit to a date ever. We became friends and that’s that. I also dated a guy who was awful. He reminded me of my ex. Nothing nice to say, always critical. I found out he was bipolar and I could see alot of his behaviors my mom had. He was medicated and treated but really a huge douche. He was the one that would give time to me and plan ahead, but he wasn’t nice and I didn’t want to spend the time with him. So I said goodbye.
I just haven’t been able to feel anything since M. I cannot get close to a single guy. I think that ruined me more than I thought. I handled that breakup fine, but in the end. I thought he was it and this was what I was waiting for . I thought it was my chance at the family I wanted so badly. And I trusted him . And I just can’t get close to anyone enough to trust them. Is my ho phase a way to keep people at a distance. Most likely. Is it healthy? It was what I needed for a while and it was kind of fun. Not anymore. ( I’ve been safe during this ho phase, by the way) it was a good distraction for a while, but the truth of the matter is, I probably need therapy again to figure out how to get close to someone again.
In the meantime , friends and the like always tell me I exude positivity, they love being around me and that I give off such a positive vibe and I’maid back and take things as they come. Strangers like to share their life story with me, people come to me for comfort and advice. Maybe it’s my purpose. Maybe it’s what I have to offer to this world. When I feel utterly lonely ( and lonely as in lack of family and partner ) I think maybe my purpose is just to lift others up.
Some days I’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted. I can’t explain it. But I function like a champ still. I never let my pain sleep through. Not even my closest friends have any idea what I’m going through inside. I think that’s better reserved for a professional, lol.
Well, if you got this far, thanks for listening ! I hope everyone is well and having a great holiday season.
