Confused But Committed, Part 3

[DnJ]

Hello Hoch

And something snapped inside - I went from outwardly kind and forgiving, to just done. … No reaction, no engagement, just done with their antics.

Im in new territory here. I don’t know how to string along and be mysterious without making her panic and capsize the boat, which she is liable to do. I think I need to assuage just enough of her fears that she doesn’t do something crazy, but not enough that she goes back to being in comfortable replay.

You gave a good response.

I liked the straightforwardness of it and that it is true. Never lie. A MLCer has a mind like Swiss cheese for most things but a steel trap of a memory for things you do wrong or the lies you say.

Which bring me to “how to string along…”. That doesn’t work for the long haul. She needs to go through her crisis. The entire thing. Or she will enter it again and it will be much worse the next time around.

Do not manipulate her path. We cannot know all ends and manipulating places us in a place of being responsible for her outcome - good or bad. Not a place you want to be in.

What you do want to do is like you did. “Something just snapped”. You become done with it.

You did not become mean or vindictive, just done. Just indifferent. Still kind. Still cared. Still standing. Standing more for you and less for her. And by the way, that’s a pretty good thing.

Her change of behaviour and perking up is because of your authenticity. You weren’t acting. You were just done.

To be clear, that isn’t done like moving on. It’s done like moving forward and she can catch up when/if she is ready to. You got a great life to live. She’s invited along, and welcome; but it’s up to her as to what she is actually going to do or when she chooses to join you. You keep doing you. Make those changes permanent.

In that way, it’s not stringing her along. And more importantly, it’s not stringing you along. You become you. A better version of you. And that is attractive and desirable and as you said something she can sense loosing.

Any idea why something just snapped? What your internal shift was? What triggered it?

To me, I’d say the loss of fear.

Fear is an insidious binding prison. Its tentacles snare us and hold us. Casting off those chains and letting go of one’s fear takes rational effort. An internal shift and a new way of thinking and believing. Which then influences a new way of feeling. A more fearless way. And that is a mighty dose of freedom.

We are all, both prisoner and jailer in our self made dungeons. The keys are within us. Once the doors are unlocked our light shines and the darkness gets pushed back.

I’m here now because I need advice. Upfront I’d like to ask for no 2x4s at the moment, just kind advice. I’m a little shaky and not ready for them yet.

I bet you weren’t feeling shaky when you were just done. Yes?

When we let go, we gain so much more.

It’s a pretty counterintuitive path. One which gains clarity as you travel.

Have a great day.

D