I am not a big fan of validating a wayward but it's true value is it can replace trying to argue your point.
I found validation works best on children and people you don't know well. It takes a really long time to perfect until it comes off as sincere to people who have known you for awhile.
I am interested to hear how "happy family" time went last week.
it was imported into most forms of marriage counseling but there are questions about its effectiveness.
It was a key factor in my reconciliation and has dramatically improved every relationship where I've deployed it (e.g., my daughter). Another member's success with it--a fellow called AnotherStander who is doing well but rarely comments anymore--nudged me to try it. At its core it's about listening, understanding where another is coming from, and showing it. If you're not up for that now, or don't feel that she deserves it, keep it in mind for when you want to build rapport. At least strive to avoid negative communication patterns like stonewalling and defensiveness.
Originally Posted by McRamone
It apparently started in the therapist-patient dynamic as a way to get the patient to open up about themselves
There's nothing wrong with her recognizing (as distinct from you pointing them out or trying to show off) that you're making 180s, validating, actively listening, etc. No Sneakyism here. Some people enjoy validation without knowing what it is. Others see if for what it is and say, "Wow, I've never been validated like that before, it's wonderful." That works, too!
It was a key factor in my reconciliation and has dramatically improved every relationship where I've deployed it (e.g., my daughter). Another member's success with it--a fellow called AnotherStander who is doing well but rarely comments anymore--nudged me to try it. At its core it's about listening, understanding where another is coming from, and showing it. If you're not up for that now, or don't feel that she deserves it, keep it in mind for when you want to build rapport. At least strive to avoid negative communication patterns like stonewalling and defensiveness.
I'd be curious to see empirical data. Does that include Ms. Woodnymph? (yes I read your story) LOL
Originally Posted by CWarrior
There's nothing wrong with her recognizing (as distinct from you pointing them out or trying to show off) that you're making 180s, validating, actively listening, etc. No Sneakyism here. Some people enjoy validation without knowing what it is. Others see if for what it is and say, "Wow, I've never been validated like that before, it's wonderful." That works, too!
The problem is that she knows what the origin is and sees it for something else.
Does that include Ms. Woodnymph? (yes I read your story) LOL
Yes! Validation was a huge part of why the young, sexy, well-off Ms. Woodnymph slept with me on that first date--hiking while my son was at a party for a few hours! She felt seen and safe. I glimpsed her submissiveness. It's up to you how you leverage the rapport and insights.
Originally Posted by McRamone
The problem is that she knows what the origin is and sees it for something else.
Does SHE see it for "something else", or do you? If you've read my story, you also know I dated a psychologist briefly, and she also relished my validation and active listening.
Yes! Validation was a huge part of why the young, sexy, well-off Ms. Woodnymph slept with me on that first date--hiking while my son was at a party for a few hours! She felt seen and safe. I glimpsed her submissiveness. It's up to you how you leverage the rapport and insights.
Slut-shaming involves criticizing women for their transgression of accepted codes of sexual conduct, i.e., admonishing them for behavior, attire or desires that are more sexual than society finds acceptable. The action of slut-shaming can be considered to be a form of social punishment and is an aspect of sexism.. The topic of slut-shaming sheds light on the social issues that are associated with the double standard. This is because slut-shaming is usually toward girls and women, and boys and men usually do not get slut-shamed.
Does that include Ms. Woodnymph? (yes I read your story) LOL
Yes! Validation was a huge part of why the young, sexy, well-off Ms. Woodnymph slept with me on that first date--hiking while my son was at a party for a few hours! She felt seen and safe. I glimpsed her submissiveness. It's up to you how you leverage the rapport and insights.
Originally Posted by McRamone
The problem is that she knows what the origin is and sees it for something else.
Does SHE see it for "something else", or do you? If you've read my story, you also know I dated a psychologist briefly, and she also relished my validation and active listening.
She does. It’s not surprising about the psychologist. If she does therapy it’s part of what she does but probably not done to her. I hope it wasn’t your therapist. I would add when the relationship is understress validation is more difficult.
I have a few things to update, but I'm currently looking at other resources.
What are your updates? We can only help/advise if you share...
Originally Posted by McRamone
The boys are (for now) cool with everything. Of course with teens you can never be sure. I’ve asked it a couple of ways. I’ve been the primary care giver during this whole pandemic. I take them to school. I do fun things with them, I make they are on top of school. Teachers email me with issues. So really it’s more of the same. My W doesn’t have the flexibility with her job so it feel to me.
I’ve made it clear that they can talk to me about this and do regular check-ins.
Your teenage sons are "cool" with their mom moving out of the house? Seems unlikely. Good you're checking in with them and helping with school, but maybe they're burying their emotions? Make sure they're getting the support they need with the whole situation.
Last edited by BL42; 11/23/2106:49 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
