I'm struggling with feelings of emptiness and numbness. I think it is impossible not to feel these things considering what has happened to me. To me this is a red flag and I know that I cannot keep feeling this way. But I'm struggling to get in touch with my feelings enough to move past them. I feel too numb.
It’s good that you feel numb. It’s a step along the path of acceptance. Along the path of healing.
We find a pretty profound indifference towards our spouse. A rather strange feeling and place to find one’s self until you get used to it.
This indifference and numbness towards our spouse bleeds into other parts of our life as well.
The big part of that numb feeling is our own depression. And that my dear El is a healthy and normal progress of coming to terms with all that has happened. A very normal part of grief and accepting the loss.
This numbness is not a red flag. Please do not think of it as such, for your mind will make it so.
And don’t worry, you cannot, and will not, feel this way forever. Feelings after all are rather fleeting.
Some advice: Cease struggling to try to get in touch with your feelings, your numbness will pass when it is time, and not one moment before then.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I've been on anti-depressants for a long time and I am thinking it is time to stop. I feel strongly that I need to be able to feel the pain I have, and process it, or I'll have to keep living with the dull numbness of it.
The numbness has a purpose to serve. There is no need to rush it.
Turn your view on its head. Embrace this numbness. Be thankful for the lack of pain. Your subconscious mind is always processing, it’s only the conscious mind that feels numb.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I know some might think that stopping taking antidepressants while going through a divorce may not be recommended...but I just need to stop feeling so numb and empty. And, it's not like I can't go back if I need to. Right?
In truth, you need to feel the emptiness. You need to walk through the desert of the numb. You will be fine. Just keep walking. One step at a time.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I think for a while I don't want to talk about my situation or my loss directly with others. I just want to process it on my own or with a therapist. I know I will get through it. I know I don't want my H back. I know I'm better off now. But I still need to process my loss of self. And I can't do that by feeling numb or disconnected from myself.
Actually, this is the best time to truly find yourself. You are currently free from all the noise of H and your situation.
By the way, “can’t” is not only a really good sign being depressed, it is also something your ever listening mind is hearing and using to create your reality. You can do this while feeling numb and disconnected from yourself. As odd as that currently sounds.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I feel like every time I discuss my situation, I just keep living it all over again and on what HE DID. It makes me think of him instead of myself. In order for the grief to lesson, and for my focus to shift, I think I need to step away from it for a bit. I swear I am not trying to avoid it or not deal with it. I don't think stepping away from it is going to fix it either. I just want to start getting myself into a better place where I am not thinking about it every day and where I am feeling open to new behaviors and experiences that do not revolve around what HE DID or WHO IS IS OR ISN'T. It's like a drug, if I keep thinking about him, then I won't move on from him. I want to spend my limited energy on figuring out where I want to go, what I want to do next, and on relearning the self that I feel I have lost in this relationship.
What H did, who he is, or isn’t. We all require a certain amount of understanding to let go.
It’s ok. I know the struggle. This is part of the rationalizing of all that has happened. It part of making sense of your situation. The logical, reasoned, and understanding path. And along with that is our emotional path. Which you currently are mostly within the stage of feeling numb. Breakthroughs on each of these are going to happen. And interestingly, they happen in the most unexpected manner.
Some more unsolicited advice (lol): We make our best and most permanent progress when we proceed kind of sideways and gently. Very seldom does progress happen from a frontal assault or brute force method. Being patient and allowing time for our subconscious to process is key. Answers present themselves when you least expect them and when you are calm.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
I want to spend my limited energy on figuring out where I want to go, what I want to do next, and on relearning the self that I feel I have lost in this relationship.
Well, you are at a perfect emotional place for just that.
Beliefs. Discover your beliefs and convictions. The tenets of your life. The things you truly and deeply - right down to your core - believe in.
Then, examine those values. There will great ones, some ok, and others that you’ll not be very proud of. We all have them.
Strengthen your beliefs and convictions that serve you. Craft and create ones that you aspire to. And alter or discard that which does not serve.
You have a golden opportunity that most people will “thankfully” never have the chance to do. When we are so hurt, yet numb, we are still somewhat broke open. We have an incredible access to our very core self. It’s absolutely amazing. And we can make alterations and strengthening like we never could before, and likely never will again. It is quite a rarity to be so truly exposed and vulnerable.
Elbereth, with life’s convictions known, strengthened, and serving a good path, your headings of life will be before you.
As an added bonus, and without realizing it, you will move forward and out of your numbness. It’s multi fold. We are depressed because we don’t know our beliefs and where we want to, or are, going. And focusing on our deeply held beliefs, answers those deep unrealized questions and sets our focus on something other than our spouse. We set our sights on ourselves, a pretty darn good thing to do.
Once you have stepped into the light, have well crafted and strengthened beliefs, you have some wonderful headings for life. Noble goals and heading based upon core self realizations. Slowly changing values to base your destination upon.
Life isn’t actually about getting to our destination, it’s about our journey. Life is always about the journey, make those steps count. Great headings and goals, begets a great journey, and a great life.
You have the blessing of numb. Use it well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
