Sorry to see S17 having difficulties. Yes, MLC and divorce has many casualties among the innocent bystanders.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Apparently he's been having a lot of difficulties with his F's behavior lately. When he showed heavy MLC behavior he struggled with that for a long time, but then gave it a place, after all it has been going on for 3 years, but now that H has been awake for several weeks, it is difficult for him to take a position on how to deal with it.
Recall it took son time to come to terms with Dad’s MLC behaviour. And it will take time to understand and come to terms with Dad’s current behaviour and his path of flipping and flopping until it becomes permanent, if it indeed does.
Uncertainty is a difficult facet of life we all come to terms with. Kids and young adults are changing and rebelling and testing. They especially test their parents, to see if they will be there for them. Son hopes and wants to hope regarding Dad, yet has valid reservations. It makes perfect sense not wanting to risk heartache again. Betrayal is a tough thing to move forward from.
And that is one of the biggest thing with kids and all this mess. They are kids and still maturing. Their emotions are young and they do not let go with a well-developed emotional understanding. Heck, it takes us years to figure this out too.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He is also having a hard time with the impending divorce. He doesn't understand that I'm giving up, after 3 years of fighting for the M, and now that H is finally making progress, the D is on the program. He cannot understand that either.
The strange thing is that I actually have the same feeling in many areas. So you can see how strongly children experience all of this, especially when they are older and aware of what is going on.
The path at times is very counterintuitive and does feel and appear wrong until one realizes it actually isn’t.
If I may, it is not understanding that is what S17 is struggling with the most. It is empathizing.
Empathy is an emotionally mature quality. Something that one usually gains command of later after adolescence. Teenager are busy being heathy teenagers and their intellect is the major growth area.
S17’s non-understanding is more a lack of emotional understanding or lack of empathizing with you. Not all that shocking, how many 17 year old boys know what it feels like to be a Mom going through a divorce.
This is also similar for you. You haven’t divorced before from a MLCer that might be awakening. We all don’t know what or how to feel during first times of anything.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I told S17 that I'm not giving up, but that most likely the reason for his awakening is actually the fact that he is starting to realize he is losing everything. I also told him that his F wanted the D, he only didn't want to arrange anything. Then there is the fact that there is only progress in H's behavior towards reconnection with the kids, not towards me and S has difficulties to understand this. I told him that this could take a long time, and possibly will even never happen again. But that what is happening now is maybe the way forward, even if it involves a D.
Good. The best way to alleviate son’s questions and concerns is through discussion. And son will lead at whatever pace he needs and ask age appropriate questions. Just got to remain calm, be factual, not demonized his father, and so on.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
First he expresses this in frustration, this goes from making nonchalant remarks or showing arrogant behavior, both in school and at home, then he starts telling step by step what is wrong.
Oh, I see you have a seventeen year old boy living at home.
He is expressing himself, rather healthily methinks. It’s when it remains bottled up I’d start getting concerned.
S17 tells you step by step what is wrong. This is wonderful! Don’t fret about his path to eventually getting to that point. He is after all a rebellious teenager. And you are one of his trusted loved figures he needs to test and rebel against. Oh my goodness, adolescence is such a pain. Lol.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Yes, I do still want reconcilliation if H is becoming his new self. The one I see currently I really like but I don't want to push him away with reconnection or reconcilliation talks. I think he is the one who needs to start showing his interest, or do I see this wrongly?
That view is right on the money.
H needs to approach reconnection and/or reconciliation. He needs to. As much as he was driven and needed to run, he has to find the need and drive to return. And that will start with a tiny whisper of doubt within him.
You have already seen his doubting of his path. And you have seen him revert back and run a bit. Like a teenager testing you, he is ensuring you are not going to yell or turn on him. He is growing and is looking for assurance and acceptance.
Like a timid squirrel H will bolt if pushed or frightened. He is becoming stronger and is remaining in the moment longer and longer.
Be patient, keep moving forward, be that lighthouse / role model, and H might just decided to catch up.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Somebody gave me the advice to gently ask H if it was not better to put the D on hold for a while, since he is making progress. I have my own opinion, and would like to know yours if possible.
I think it not a good idea for you to ask to put the divorce on hold while H is demonstrating this awakening and making palpable progress. Although I do have other considerations I’d explore.
My reasoning, like everything, is for you.
Unless I missed the mark, you’d like to slow down the divorce to explore just how awakened H actually is.
Now, H’s awakening is quite likely from the very real loss he is feeling. The impending divorce is a big part of that. I’d not remove that, just maybe slow it a bit. Again, to be clear, this is not manipulation of H, this is because of you wanting to do all you can to save your marriage. This is an action for you, not a reaction to H’s behaviour.
A quick caveat, if you need financial protection or security proceed with the divorce. Of course, three years in you got things well sorted out. I think your need is rather mute at this point, as you’ve already covered all your bases.
So, IMHO, reconciliation talks could be an interesting avenue that you could explore. Tread carefully! Very limited pushing and prodding.
If this is an idea you’d like to explore, first make a list of items, responses, demonstrated behaviours, and such that you’d need to see to realize H is moving in the correct direction. Do this before any conversations and while rational and logical. Some small steps or series of steps that would be indicative of wanted progress. And, if possible, what is behind H’s movement. Internal awakening or due to external forces? That kind of thing.
You may slow the divorce process if you wish. I’d not stop it, and depending upon timelines may not even slow it down. That being said, depending upon H’s behaviours, and consistency, and your assessment of his steps, you have right up until you sign the dotted line to stop the divorce.
Currently, H is willing to settle and purchase the house. And he appears to be rather amicable. That may change.
Therefore, explore his awakening, yet continue with the divorce. Anything short of Godly remorse, dumping OW2, and truly significant behaviour change doesn’t have H hitting rock bottom. And he needs to hit rock bottom.
As you correctly stated, H needs to come to you with reconciliation desire and demonstrated behaviour. To start showing interest. And he ain’t there yet. So, no need to for you change your rational path. As much as it feels differently.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
