I understand the feeling of guilty for desiring a little down time to rejuvenate one’s self. Realize, you need to be ok, if you want your children to be ok. There is no need to feel ashamed or guilty about placing your life vest on first. And I know you will continue to place the needs of your kids high on your priority list. Right as it should be. Just once in a while, place BL42 up there too. Finding times with minimal impact is the real trick.
Originally Posted by BL42
In terms of OM2, you're right it will be better for the kids if he's a good guy and good to them. I need to swallow the hurt I feel with him in the picture and focus on what's best for the kids. The good thing is I have no indication he's not being nice or good to them.
It’s nice that OM2 is doing alright.
I’d like to encourage / suggest something for you:
“I need to swallow the hurt I feel with him in the picture and focus on what's best for the kids.”
Uncouple these two items.
Always focus on what’s best for the kids. That is its own thing. Do not utilize it as a reason or defence for altering your feelings. That will just build resentment.
No, you should not swallow your feelings. At the time of interaction, yes do remain calm. However, you need to let go those feelings. Experience those feelings. Rationalize those feelings. And in that, gain influence and therefore “control” of them.
Of course you’re hurt. It is ok. Make time to safely feel it. To work through it. To find peace.
I find a scheduled time work pretty well on altering and influencing one’s irrational emotional self. Emotions stir from triggers, be those external or internal. These events happen randomly and we react. When you schedule a time to force/encourage yourself to feel, it lessens the affect of future triggers.
A very important part of this scheduled forced feeling is stopping it. Schedule yourself 5 or 10 minutes where you allow (force) a freely expressed response of your hurt. Set an alarm for both start and finish. With this out of your system the reminder of your day is your’s.
In time, 10 minutes becomes 5 minutes, then 3, then 1, and then zero. You uncouple the irrational response from a trigger by rationalizing the trigger and your response. It’s emotional understanding, which is the essence of acceptance.
Originally Posted by BL42
Long-term, I honestly don't know what to think about the impacts to my kids. I've read studies and heard stories on both sides, some saying there are negatives on personalities/education/future relationships and others talking about the ability of kids to adjust and be resilient. The friends and family I know from divorced families seemed to have at least periods of significant impact whereas those I know from non-divorced families seem to be better adjusted career/relationship-wise, but it's anecdotal.
There are many stories that illustrate many different outcomes. I caution using the word studies as it gives a certain unrealized credence to such. And there are far too many variables in such chaotic systems as family interactions and life’s interactions to distill it down to divorced or not.
You know me and my situation. I’m divorce. I’ve got an awesome family and life.
My views and belief - which is the real driver of an outcome, IMHO - you will achieve that which you strive for. Be that consciously/purposefully or not.
If you believe that broken families are in a deficit and are more likely to end up truly broken, they will be.
Notice, the use of “broken family” instead of parents that are divorced. Did you notice that? Did it seem normal for me to state it that way? We all create our realities. If one is predisposing themselves to a certain way, which we all are , make it what you want.
If you believe that children of divorce parents have no intrinsic dysfunction or deficit than any other child or person then it will be so.
Our children’s paths are not decided by our marital status. Believe that!
Your path is not decided by your marital status. Believe that too!
Even if the “studies” are true. Be the anomaly. Be an outlier on the graph. Be the Dad and kids that thrive and enjoy a wonderful life. Join me, let’s band together and make that the norm of future stories and studies.
I’m pretty big proponent for casting of self-imposed shackles. Be it fear, worry, doubt, or whatever. Rise up. You got this!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
, make it what you want.
