Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Hello friends.

Thank you DejaVu6 for your message. Your story resonates with me too. I also think I have forgiven...I see it as I've let go in some ways of what has weighed on me. That I can't be in a state of anger or resentment. I am doing it for me. I'm doing my best to move forward and be better and not bitter.

CWarrior, thank you for checking in. Halloween was bittersweet. I used to really enjoy the holiday, but I just couldn't be in the spirit this year.

I've been offline for a while now and I am planning to stop posting on my feed for a bit. I've just returned from a nice trip to Hawaii, and with the house sold, I feel it is the time to really put the focus on myself. It has been so hard to do that with the house selling process and having to speak to H so often. With that out of the way, I need to take some time away from focusing on my situation and put my energy into other ways I am moving forward.

I'm struggling with feelings of emptiness and numbness. I think it is impossible not to feel these things considering what has happened to me. To me this is a red flag and I know that I cannot keep feeling this way. But I'm struggling to get in touch with my feelings enough to move past them. I feel too numb. I've been on anti-depressants for a long time and I am thinking it is time to stop. I feel strongly that I need to be able to feel the pain I have, and process it, or I'll have to keep living with the dull numbness of it. Someone I know also is doing magic mushroom mircrodosing. I'm very intrigued by this idea and how successful it can be for treating depression as well as rewiring the brain in new ways.

I know some might think that stopping taking antidepressants while going through a divorce may not be recommended...but I just need to stop feeling so numb and empty. And, it's not like I can't go back if I need to. Right?

I think for a while I don't want to talk about my situation or my loss directly with others. I just want to process it on my own or with a therapist. I know I will get through it. I know I don't want my H back. I know I'm better off now. But I still need to process my loss of self. And I can't do that by feeling numb or disconnected from myself. I feel like every time I discuss my situation, I just keep living it all over again and on what HE DID. It makes me think of him instead of myself. In order for the grief to lesson, and for my focus to shift, I think I need to step away from it for a bit. I swear I am not trying to avoid it or not deal with it. I don't think stepping away from it is going to fix it either. I just want to start getting myself into a better place where I am not thinking about it every day and where I am feeling open to new behaviors and experiences that do not revolve around what HE DID or WHO IS IS OR ISN'T. It's like a drug, if I keep thinking about him, then I won't move on from him. I want to spend my limited energy on figuring out where I want to go, what I want to do next, and on relearning the self that I feel I have lost in this relationship.

Anyway, I will be poking around and commenting where I can on others feeds. But for now, I'm not going to post much here for a bit. At least until some stuff to talk about with the divorce process happens. Right now things are moving very slow. If I get the magic mushrooms though I will tell you all how that goes! There are some interesting articles and TED talks about them too.

Hugs to you all my friends,

El