Hi Gerda, so nice to hear something from you! Hope you are doing well and sending lots of love back your way!!!
Originally Posted by Gerda
It looks to me like you are doing a lot of heavy lifting for you H. Trying to fix his relationship with your kids or explain his behavior. Thinking about pointing out truths to him to shift his course. I know you don't see it that way but for someone like me who went completely dark, it really looks like you are still tied to that in many ways.
I really appreciate your opinion, but TBH, indeed, I don't see it that way. As long as he was monstering, not showing any remorse etc. I never accommodated the R between the children and him. It was also their decision at a certain point to end their R with their Dad.
This created a huge awakening for him.
Yes, he destroyed the family and has given trauma's to the children and to me which will never be forgotten. I have gone dark a few times over the past 3 years when I couldn't handle his behavior anymore, but that was more for me, to prevent me from going downhill the same way he did. I don't have the need to go dark currently though.
The past few weeks H is really trying to fix the R with his children and he asked me to support him with that.
He has been talking openly about his behavior of the past years and knows he has been very wrong.
I know talking is not enough, the actions must be there as well and therefore I was very cautious in the beginning but but since I also see the actions and the way he currently handles his R with his children I can only support this. It's not that I'm trying to fix his R with his children, he needs to do that himself, but if he asks to talk about certain things I simply answer his questions and then we try to come to a possible solution that works for all parties. As long as this can be done in a gentle and a polite way, I don't see why I would not support this.
Is it possible this will shift again, of course, and I'm aware of that, but that doesn't mean that I don't have to apply the unconditionals now. When it seems to go again in the other direction I will immediately go back to what I did before that.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Remember, the D is a business arrangement. It's about property, not love or care or faithfulness. At least in most states. Don't try to stop it for the sake of saving your M. Your actual M is a separate matter. Your H knows you are open to his return. You don't have to keep trying to remind him, and he has to work for it when he's ready, if that day ever comes.
Here I fully agree with what you are saying. These are two separate things. It is simply because I regularly get expectations again (heart thinking) but I know I better follow what I've started (mind thinking)
