Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[Rita]

Sage my darling I have been taking a break from here but sometimes peek in just to see if you or May posted! (Tried to find crumbs but not smart enough.)

I was happy to see you posted but I am ready to kick some MLC arse on your behalf!

My H used this same technique. Once I went dark, he got interested in the kids and used a feigned interest in them to force me to respond to him all the time.

Same abuse, different context.

Don't get confused. Don't get abused.

Not your responsibility to keep him informed about the kids.

Not your responsibility to invite him to stuff or make sure he knows anything.

Would you rely on him for those things, ever? No! You'd call teachers yourself, go to plays and confirmations and prom dress shopping by yourself, etc.

You're already doing so much better than I did. I was outright jealous and wistful reading about the way your kids act with you and each other. You did good and they are amazing, even if they get twisty and hurt over all this during the process.

GO DARK IN ALL CONTEXTS, Sage of the Ice Skating Pond. And stick to business with efficiency. One time I was crying in court and texted a friend of mine who lives in another country and speaks English somewhat brokenly. He answered, "Don't let those dogs make you cry." So I always picture him saying that with his beautiful accent. And now this is my new motto (with apologies to all dogs, including mine!).

My advice --

Stop talking to him about the kids. You don't need to take to someone who is abusing you. Make a Google doc calendar and post there anything you don't MIND him knowing about. Until you have a court order/agreement describing what you have to do, just do what you don't mind doing. The general rule is going to be status quo. Girl, you WANT 90% to be status quo!

Write him a note saying something like, "To make sure you have all the info you need, I created a shared document where we can post anything going on or any cancellations and each of us can just check there each week. Just text me to let me know about last minute changes."

There are also apps for that but I couldn't bear anything that "efficient" myself, efficiency and monsters I do not like as a combo for historical and personal reasons. Plus as we know, they won't follow through, so no point in spending money and time on something they won't use once they realize they can't abuse you through it.

On One Mom's Battle, there is a list of "canned responses." Tape those to your closet door and use them whenever needed. Or tape them to your forehead?

And record EVERYTHING in a documents called, "VISITATION RECORD." Include date and what happened. Things he did in a report-style, no emotion. And anything you did in response. It may be that no one will ever see it but I have used mine (one for each year since 2017!!!!) several times as exhibits in motions and plan to use it if my non-H actually follows through on this trial.

Remember, I still believe in love and standing for your marriage. But marriage is not an idol to worship. Once it becomes clear that your H is a narcissist or an abuser of some kind, you must go dark. You can stand while you are doing that or you can stop standing, but you gotta go dark. If it's temporary, you can reopen your borders when he is a human again.

Come over for coffee now? I want to hear about the new business! I have been doing the same.