Well, those two replies gave me a lot to think and act! about this week.
The first 2 days I applied the method you described to me DnJ, amazingly the desire to think about her faded and was completely gone the 3rd day. For the rest of the week I didn't even think about it for a minute and mainly put the focus back on myself and the children. So thank you for that!
About the fact that I don't know at all what kind of R they are having/had + the fact that I really don't know at all what he told her makes it much easier for me to distance myself from this. I know that I sometimes unconsciously create truths of my own. (thak you kml for pointing that out)
S17 has been having a hard time recent weeks. I had noticed it myself, but came out in the open after 2 of his teachers sent an e-mail about his behavior of the last few weeks. H also received these emails.
It took days before S could communicate openly. I know I have to be patient with S.
First he expresses this in frustration, this goes from making nonchalant remarks or showing arrogant behavior, both in school and at home, then he starts telling step by step what is wrong.
Apparently he's been having a lot of difficulties with his F's behavior lately. When he showed heavy MLC behavior he struggled with that for a long time, but then gave it a place, after all it has been going on for 3 years, but now that H has been awake for several weeks, it is difficult for him to take a position on how to deal with it. On the one hand he is happy that his F is so calm and open and shows a lot of behavior from the old H, on the other hand he is afraid that it will only be temporary, so he actually wants to keep his heart closed but then actually not again. He is also having a hard time with the impending divorce. He doesn't understand that I'm giving up, after 3 years of fighting for the M, and now that H is finally making progress, the D is on the program. He cannot understand that either.
The strange thing is that I actually have the same feeling in many areas. So you can see how strongly children experience all of this, especially when they are older and aware of what is going on.
I told S17 that I'm not giving up, but that most likely the reason for his awakening is actually the fact that he is starting to realize he is losing everything. I also told him that his F wanted the D, he only didn't want to arrange anything. Then there is the fact that there is only progress in H's behavior towards reconnection with the kids, not towards me and S has difficulties to understand this. I told him that this could take a long time, and possibly will even never happen again. But that what is happening now is maybe the way forward, even if it involves a D.
H called yesterday to talk about S. I told most of the above honestly (definitely the 1st part about the feelings S has towards his F, but skipped the last part about what I told S about not giving up, I only told he had difficulties with the D, nothing more) and he was again very understanding and understood S17's response perfectly.
He suggested talking to S himself if he was open to it, this over the phone (H still lives abroad) or F2F. S has to choose what he feels most comfortable with. If S wants, H will fly over next week to talk about it, the two of them together on a night out.
Something different. Somebody gave me the advice to gently ask H if it was not better to put the D on hold for a while, since he is making progress. I have my own opinion, and would like to know yours if possible.
Yes, I do still want reconcilliation if H is becoming his new self. The one I see currently I really like but I don't want to push him away with reconnection or reconcilliation talks. I think he is the one who needs to start showing his interest, or do I see this wrongly?
