Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[DnJ]

Good Morning Sage

With all sincerity, you are doing wonderfully!

Kind, compassionate, and emotionally aware kids that stretch out supper to over an hour as they tell you about their day - you have done very well indeed! Your healthy happy kids, that in itself is worth your struggles with H and all his behaviour.

You are well into the awareness of what a golden opportunity this horrible and unwanted situation is. Well enough along to realize you’d not go back to how it was even if you could. You are blessed. (((Hugs)))

I am glad the divorce is proceeding, albeit slowly. Being separated by the end of the year or just in the new year would be a welcomed event. And not. I get it, it’s weird.

H is displaying his confusion and projections pretty clearly. And yes, his imagined fantasy world in which everyone applauded him for his courage for leaving and as he effortlessly raise the kids, is crashing around him as reality settles in. And still he fights it. These tormented folks cannot handle the pressures.

I ended up with 100% custody. There was supposed to be a 50/50 on major things like medical stuff and such, as well as for major purchases like university or grad or other big “family-type” items. Nine of that happened. I looked after and paid for everything. Another blessing, from my point of view.

My kids were/are older and therefore not as tiring I’m sure. Enjoy and celebrate your 90%. Kids are always watching and learning, you are the strong stable role model parent. Plenty of the “raising” is going to be 100% from you. Very good dividends will come from such investment.

He forgets verbal conversations we have about schedule changes, accuses me of keeping him out of the loop with the children (though I am so careful to keep him abreast at all times) and in general is just super, super difficult and obstructionist. He has absolutely no emotional generosity towards me, accuses me of convincing the children he was the one who left (umm?), and rails and lashes out at me frequently.

Yep. H is h3ll bent on his irrational path. He is completely driven and making decision based upon his emotions. And as you have seen many times, H’s emotions are out of control. His torment is clearly demonstrated and seen. He is absolutely miserable.

H cannot handle the pressure. He cannot yet accept or acknowledge certain things. He can only barely admit and acknowledge he is wrong - and only the smallest bit at that. And you, my dear Sage, are in his line of fire. You get blamed and lashed out at and projected upon.

There is also emotional blackmail happening regularly towards me. I am learning to shrug it off, but the combination of raising the kids with no breaks, doing all the kid-related admin/homework/school/sports events/scheduling/life stuff, trying to start a business, navigating the D, being a good coparent and dealing with his issues is defeating me. I just don't see why he has to make this so hard; it is truly so, so unnecessary. And the thought of dealing with this for the next 12 years makes me cry.

H needs to make it so very difficult. For H it is necessary. They will mow down anything and anyone who stands in their way.

It is unnecessary from our rational viewpoint. You are going along with his divorce wishes. He is getting what he wants. His irrational ever changing goal post moving ideas can never be met, for he actually doesn’t know what he wants. All he has is some vague feelings about some sort of happiness just over the next hill; and along with that mostly pain and torment which he is running from. Thing is, that next hill keeps moving. He is running from himself. And one cannot outrun themselves. H really doesn’t know what he wants, because he is following feelings.

Understanding the necessary or inevitable projections and blame from H does not make it ok. Emotional blackmail is still not something you have to put up with. Remember to utilize boundaries in response to his disrespectful or otherwise behaviour that is harmful to your well-being.

If anyone has any advice, anecdotes or thoughts on how I could better navigate all of this, I would be so appreciative.

I love how you stated this. “How I could better navigate…”. You are doing very well and open to being and becoming even better. That’s the perfect outlook in my humble opinion.

Continue doing what your doing. You kids are fine examples of your good values and efforts.

Consider firming up some boundaries. This will be easier once divorced. There is a benefit to rock the boat as little as possible while getting things negotiated and settled. And that “turn the other cheek” attitude will have benefit to you directly in other aspects if your life.

Once divorce, be divorced. Let go. Let H do what he will.

Continue to not demonize nor speak purposefully ill of H. Let his paltry 10% dwindle to zero if that is his heading. Be you. Your kids are watching and know who is who, and who is doing what.

H is, and will always be, their Dad. He won’t be your husband. I found that is a different mindset to come to terms with. Indifference, letting go, and yet still watching over the health and welfare of your kids need not bring about the spectre of 12 years of stress and tears. Boundaries, acceptance, forgiveness, and such, all steps towards that great life.

Have a wonderful day my friend.

D