A long overdue update that isn't really a departure from the norm for me. H and I are still in divorce proceedings and it is going very slow. I am fairly confident that we will get something worked out by the end of the year, or early next year but I am not entirely sure. I am just keeping calm about it all and letting the L's do their work and trusting the process with an eye on my own interests.
H's initial expectation that he was leaving me so he could 'just be happy himself and raise his kids, happily' seems to not be going according to plan. He is absolutely miserable in a way I have never seen him before and of course it is all completely my fault. I believe he has depression at best and possibly a mood or character disorder at worst. We have a theoretical 50/50 custody split, but the actual is closer to 90/10. He has taken some personal trips during his custody time and also is back to traveling for work so it means that I have the kids the majority of the time. When H is away, I experience relative silence from him and it is blissful. But when he is in town (often it starts with emails on the airplane when he is heading home) I have to brace myself for every interaction.
H is so h3ll-bent on finding fault with me that he is unwilling to see that I am doing everything 'by the book' with regards to our coparenting agreements. For example, I sent him an email update about a significant appt with one of the children, right after the appt. But later that day he demands an update from me as if I never sent one. He literally cannot 'see' the email that I sent him 6 hours earlier. This is a very literal example, but I experience this sort of dissonance during every interaction. He forgets verbal conversations we have about schedule changes, accuses me of keeping him out of the loop with the children (though I am so careful to keep him abreast at all times) and in general is just super, super difficult and obstructionist. He has absolutely no emotional generosity towards me, accuses me of convincing the children he was the one who left (umm?), and rails and lashes out at me frequently. I am not used to being portrayed in the way he portrays me in his mind and actions, it is just so opposite from my nature that I feel like a deer in headlights every time.
Not only am I doing 100% of the mental load of raising the kids (as well as the emotional load), but I am also raising them alone 90% of the time (and not making him feel bad about that fact at all) AND he still has to make it difficult for me on all those fronts. He fights me on basic admin things I do for the kids, but he is not lifting a finger to do any of them himself.
There is also emotional blackmail happening regularly towards me. I am learning to shrug it off, but the combination of raising the kids with no breaks, doing all the kid-related admin/homework/school/sports events/scheduling/life stuff, trying to start a business, navigating the D, being a good coparent and dealing with his issues is defeating me. I just don't see why he has to make this so hard; it is truly so, so unnecessary. And the thought of dealing with this for the next 12 years makes me cry.
On a happier note, the kids are doing really well. Parent-teacher conferences were all glowing and there was a huge focus on how compassionate, kind, emotionally aware and what pleasures my children are in class and beyond. The children argue at the dinner table about who gets to go next in telling me all about their day (they do something called thorn-rosebud-rose which is where they talk about something tricky in their day, something they are looking forward to and something really wonderful). It can take an hour to leave the table, they are so talkative and expressive. I feel really close to all of them and am deeply curious and accepting of their unique expressions in the world. Despite some anxiety issues (which could be pandemic-related or divorce-related) I think the kids will be OK.
If anyone has any advice, anecdotes or thoughts on how I could better navigate all of this, I would be so appreciative.
