New here.

[may22]

Hi McRamone,

So there is where I don't get it. I can't make her FEEL anything. I can only control what I can do. correct? I'm certainly not going to date or meet women in bars. This feels manipulative. Maybe someone can correct me.

Honestly.... it *is* manipulative. You trying to behave in a certain way in order to try to make her feel a certain way. That being said-- the GAL, etc is not in order to attract her back, though that may be your initial motivation. It needs to be for YOU. You being healthy, you being centered, you finding the things that you love about yourself that you might have lost being subsumed in a relationship. I think this is really important. I think it is difficult because most LBSs are mostly motivated by what they think will bring their S back, therefore the advice "the fastest way to get your W back is to go in the opposite direction" and "fake it till you make it" is common. If you really focus on yourself, you'll find that eventually you aren't doing these things in order to show her how much she should miss you, but because you genuinely enjoy them, that you are able to be balanced and happy even when you are S from your W, the fear will lessen and you will be in a much healthier mental state. A side effect of that is that many times, it will pique the interest again of your S-- but again, it does need to be genuine, not manipulative.

Same with the 180s. Perhaps the biggest motivator is to fix your relationship with your W, but I think you can have incredible benefits for yourself when you break out of your own mold and the role you usually play in your relationship with your W. You say that you're usually resistant to ideas and get hammered in MC with this. What's the harm of the next idea that comes along (as long as it isn't dangerous) to say-- okay! Sure! Let's try it! My H during the BD/affair time really hammered on this piece that I didn't like to "do things" as much as he did, which is mostly because I was the one making sure that the house was clean, the kids did their homework, etc. and so ended up being cast in the stick in the mud role. So I said, F it. I picked the kids up early from school and we skipped soccer practice and went out and had fun. If he suggested a hike and there were 10 reasons why not, unless those reasons were critical, I said sure! Let's do it. And I'm so glad I did-- not because it showed him anything about me, really, but it helped me rediscover a love of spontaneity that I had somehow lost with getting so bogged down being a working mom.

Again, I think your situation is different than many. Here's my best mind-reading guess-- she no longer feels "in love" with you, you guys focused too much on the kids or whatever. She had an intense emotional experience and realized what she is missing with you. Maybe she is still in touch with that guy, maybe not (you are so cryptic about this part, it would really help us to support you if we had a better understanding of what the role the A/EA played or plays in all of this), but regardless of any potential future with the AP, it highlighted for her the lack of those feelings with you. She wants to make it work with you, she loves you (maybe not "in love" but loves), loves your kids, loves the family, but is looking at life with you just being this slow passionless creep into old age and poof, there went her life. Sounds like she also has a lot of anger/resentment towards you, maybe deserved, maybe not. (If I were you, I'd spend some time here on whether or not her anger is valid. I don't think it is an okay excuse to say "my family was cool with reading each other's journals"-- I get that the first time, but after that you really need to respect her wishes. Are there other areas where you've been inflexible about how you like to do things vs. her way? I have read that many times WWs have tried for years to communicate to their Hs how unhappy they are and the Hs never listen until the W gives up.)

Maybe I'm a sucker but I do think she very well could be totally honest when she tells you that she loves you and wants to figure out how to make this work, and that this separation is her way of trying to resolve her anger and work out some things herself that need to happen before she can reengage with you in a positive way. But this is all her journey and work, not yours. And I think unless she does this work herself and can come back to the M with an open, honest, and authentic desire to be married to you and emotionally connected to you, then you're not going to be able to have the kind of M you both want and deserve. So as hard as it is, giving her this space to process and work on herself is the only path towards R. Of course, it isn't a guarantee. But it is where you have your best shot.

I agree with CW-- what's the harm of having dinner with her if she asks and you want to? As long as you aren't building up your own expectations or putting pressure on her and she's the one asking, I'd be okay with it. Especially given some of the complaints that surfaced in MC, I bet it would be attractive and a 180 for you to make a clear choice of what you want to do and express it clearly-- no "sure, if you want to" answers. I'd say "yeah, that would be great, see you at 6" and avoid any mind-reading or passive aggressive manipulations. But I wouldn't be available every time. How are you guys handling child-care responsibilities during this separation?

Re the hugs/kisses, I'd be playful here. I DEFINITELY wouldn't ever be the one to initiate, but if she does, I'd make it fun. Make her laugh. Don't be sappy or puppy dog eyes. If you can't do that, then avoid.

The conventional wisdom here is that the WS has to hit rock bottom, realize what they've lost, and come crawling back begging for a second chance. It doesn't always happen that way. It certainly didn't in mine. I'd be surprised if your W comes back begging, and if she does because she's afraid she's lost you, it may not be enough of a motivator to spur the hard work in your sitch.

A question for you-- what would make you say enough is enough and be ready to move on?