Hello everyone. I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for the input. A lot of you talk about “right-arguing”. I don’t understand, am I never allowed to give my side of things? If someone makes up lies about me am I just supposed to validate? Sorry I wasn’t raised that way, to sit back and just take things. Look the therapist asked me a question about the previous session and I was simply answering it to her. I am certainly not going to sit back when someone attacks my character. Maybe that’s something you all do, but I won’t allow it. I made sure I did not raise my voice at all!! I spoke firmly and that was it. When someone is attacking your character you all just validate the lies?? Anyway.
You know, Wolf, you have gotten some REALLY good advice and comments here from some really wise folks and this is how you choose to respond. It is just beyond me. I may be in the minority here, but this response just proves what everyone is saying about how you are always trying to be right and make excuses. NONE of this is about how you were raised vs. how anyone else was raised and it was, quite frankly, kind of insulting to read the way you worded it. You can validate someone without accepting their lies and LH gave you a perfect example of how to do that, so I won't belabor that point. You say "maybe that's something you all do, but I won't allow it"....as long as you have that attitude, you will continue to NOT make progress with your d because I can pretty much guarantee you that she is as put off by that as I am and I am a complete stranger to you. Can you imagine how someone who loves you feels when you say stuff like that? You are always wanting to defend yourself, point out how others are wrong and you are right. Take a step back, take a breath, and make it about your daughter rather than yourself. Listen to her, tell her what you are hearing her say, respond with kindness.
As we have all acknowledged, you are in a crappy situation and my heart goes out to you for that. At some point, you have to see your own part in how all this has gone down and take responsibility for it so that you can make forward progress.
I don't have any specific references to give you, though I wish I did, but do some research on validation techniques and REALLY learn and understand them. I think that will help your communication with your d.
As far as your gf and the baby, I have to be honest, if I were a first-time mother and I saw the storm that you live under, I would be hesitant about leaving my baby with you too. Another situation where you need to learn to validate and communicate.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
