I use the term wield, for indifference can become part of one’s self. It is controllable or influenceable. Seeing detachment and indifference separate and clearly, one can learn to bring it forth or let it go as needed. In essence, to turn indifference on and off at will. Myself, I can within seconds, become indifferent or lower it down as I wish. It is this place that in my opinion is the wonderful place you seek or should want to seek. Yes, I can find my XW’s actions amusing, and/or unimportant, and/or have them go unnoticed. All three (and more) exist and can be recalled as I wish to. Her behaviour and words, and the memory of her behaviours and words, is simultaneously viewed in multiple lens without pain or being dragged around. You know I’ve got a pretty good grip on the emotional side of things. Which is anchored within the intellectual side of things. Which is of course both anchored within my beliefs and values. I see things factually. See XW factually. Her life, her choices. I can see the pain, humour, torment, loss, gain, reason, irrationality, guilt, sin, self-hate, regret, and so on in her choices and life. And I can look away. And I can see possibilities, and yes even see hope for her. And sadly see hopelessness as well. Indifference is very much needed to first get here, and that bit of unwinding is very much needed to get retain that which we discover and then to go further. Indifference, and especially the unwinding it does, is such a blessing. In answer to your query: I have hope and I am quite indifferent. It’s just a different kind of indifferent. :)D
I have been thinking a lot about this topic the last days. On most of his actions I have found a certain balance, I can control my feelings and most moments I can look or think about him and say, OMG, how far gone are you, and don't feel pain or anything. There is only one thing though whereby I loose it and that is when I start focusing on OW2. Why, because I absolutely don't have a clue what kind of R they are having and this is making me nervous/anxious at times. I know, it is out of my control, it is a sympton of MLC etc. but that doesn't seem to help. Must be my difficult point to overcome. Therefore I have searched for a therapist who is specialized in letting go, to help me how to finally drop the rope as you all state it so nicely. (not my native language so I hope I understand the definition well of dropping the rope) I know I only need a small push, nothing more. (Simply overcoming the fear/anxiousness when thinking of the OW's...) My first appointment is next week.
My understanding op "dropping the rope": To finally let them go, to not get dragged anymore into their drama = equals full detachment in my opnion? Please correct me if I'm wrong?
Furthermore, H is still making progress on his path of awakening.
He was about 1 month in the area (not always in home country but very near) and since the talk with the kids there has been some huge changes, not only in his behavior, but also in his words and actions.
As you suggested DnJ, I forwarded a picture of all 3 with their new shirt, he was really happy with that.
He was back in our hometown on Wednesday and asked if he could do his laundry at our home. I agreed. We had a nice afternoon and watched a program on television. His idea and it was actually quite funny... It was about a famous man's live story (who just had been through a depression and a burn-out after his adultory came out and his wife divorced him but now they are back together)
He agreed to go and watch the football game of S17 in the evening, together with the Twins14. Afterwards he dropped them off and as promised he hadn't had a single drink. I sent him a message stating that it was a very good action of him to keep his agreement with them. He replied that he will now do as he promised, that this was the least he could do towards them. I replied: there is a nice sentence in this regard, being "actions speak louder than words". He agreed with me.
The next day he had planned some nice activities with them. H first stayed for dinner, and then left with them. When they came home in the evening they were very happy. They had really a great afternoon and told me they hadn't seen him like this in years.
When they got back he hugged me and said thank you for everything you are doing for me.
A little later I sent as small message stating that the kids had a lovely time with him.
He left this morning for the final time to the country where he currently lives and works until the end of the year. Then he is finally coming back. This is also the country where OW2 (or whatever she might be for him) lives. Don't know how this will go in the future but this is on my mind as he doesn't say a word about this to me.
He came early this morning (I was away for work) with breakfast for the kids and to say goodbye to them.
He called me while he was on his way to them. He stayed at his Stepdad's house and apparantely they talked until 4:00 O'clock in the morning. He told me so many things. He was so glad he finally managed to open up to people about what he was going though the past years. He mentioned wake-up call, wanting to become a better person than who he was before, about the fact he is aware he is an alcolholic since several years and that this was running behavior but that he will follow a diet now to stop this drinking. I had a difficult moment on the phone, a bit overwhelmed to hear all these things and he heard, he was very quiet, didn't really know how to react.
After the call I told him sorry for my difficult moment, you know I'm a quite sensitive person...
He replied that this is the least since all what is going on, that I must not hide my feelings, nor will he as otherwise nothing will ever be the same between us.
Yet again nothing about the marriage, nor about the divorce, I don't mention anything either. The signing of the paperwork is now planned on the 14th of december, If asked the notary to do this digitally if possible since he is not in the country, no answer yet but will most likely be possible.
When he is back the end of december to live here again he will first rent a furnitured appartment for a few months.
I can stay in the house until I have found something new. I'm actively looking now.
When the divorce is arranged, he will buy-in the house, and I will move out with the kids.
