New here.

[SteveLW]

Hello. I’m trying to remain calm and focused. I’m not even sure if this is the right place but my marriage is teetering.

I am 50, W is 46. 2 sons. Same old story - well not exactly. We have been married for 23 years. The last two years have been both incredibly frustrating personally but also incredibly rewarding financially and in our careers.

I am an L. My wife is a psychiatrist.

We moved across the country in 2018 when my W got her dream job at a major Hosptial. I left my job but quickly found a suitable position. It was actually a big financial increase from my old job.

But my W was no longer meeting my intimacy needs and it was upsetting. We had conversation after conversation. She’d try for a few months then declare it was working so she stopped.

We did continue to have sex ( we had a standing time on Friday nights). But we we had arguments in would stop for a few months and it felt like she was punishing me.

I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)

Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.

But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.

So this created a bad dynamic. I was looking for reassurances in my love language (touch) did she wanted to be in a marriage that she still cared and she remorseful. She did that for a little bit but thought that I wasn’t responding to it so decided to not continue it. Then I’d get upset she was pulling away when I needed her more.

So why not responding coupled with the privacy issue caused her to build up a lot of anger over the last six months.


That leads us to where we are at. She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate. She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.

I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.

As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months. And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.

I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.


Thanks.

Welcome to the board and sorry you are going through this difficult time. Most of us here can relate. These things are difficult to navigate, you second guess every move and decision, and most of us come here looking for the magic bullet, the right thing to say or do to fix things.

Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet.

You are already getting advice so I want to hone in on something you have made a big point of in your OP:

But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.

This is rubbish. No married couple can claim an expectation of privacy. There are supposed to be no secrets between spouses. So her focusing so much on "you violated my privacy" is a bunch of malarkey. And no amount of "family history" changes that. The fact that she had something to hide far and away outweighs the fact that you "violated her privacy".

My wife tried the same tactic on me. After a few days she was angry that I had snooped on her. She started to misdirect from her EA and make that the focus of our situation. I finally shut it down by saying to her: "There is no way to make my snooping worse than the fact that there was something to find!" I am not suggesting you say that at this juncture, but if your MC isn't already using that tact with her then I would say find another one.

And while we are on the subject of MC, I highly suggest you stop MC. Tell her "I have to decided that at this point MC is a waste of time, so I will be stopping MC. I have a lot to work through and to come to grips with so I will be starting IC instead."

MC is a zero sum game. For the LBS they put all their eggs into the MC basket thinking that as long as they are going to MC, there is a chance. The WAS sees MC in a completely different light. They usually agree to it very reluctantly, and then only so that they can later say "We tried everything, even MC." So in a way MC lets the WAS off the hook. Also, the WAS will use MC to try to get the LBS used to the idea that the marriage is coming to an end. This is why the advice is to not do MC with a spouse that has one foot out of the door. Their will be time for MC later, if and when the WAS finally decides to work on the MR.

I see you repeating what she says in your OP, and you seem to put a lot of stock into what she says. Don't. The thing about lying cheaters is that you cannot trust anything they say. We have saying around here: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

Now obviously you've been struggling with what to do from this point forward for a while now. I highly suggest reading sandi's rules. Studying them, knowing them, putting them into practice. I kept a copy of them with me at all times. I read them 12-24 times a day. Changing up your dynamic about how you interact with her is going to help you to start moving forward. It will help you to not focus so much on her, what she is saying or doing, or not saying or doing. So really understand sandi's rules, they were a life saver for me.

And then really just focus on yourself. Take all pressure and pursuit off of her. If she wants to separate, you can state ONE TIME (do not repeat it) that you disagree with the step but that you won't stand her way. After all, you cannot really stop her from leaving anyway! You have no control over her, her emotions, her thoughts, her feelings. So don't even try. Just focus on you.

And then go out and get a life. Be busy as you can possibly be. Get into IC and start changing into a better version of yourself...for you! And then learn what emotional detachment is (google "self-differentiation in marriage", it helped me a lot with the concept), and start working on becoming properly, lovingly emotionally detached. Think of it at a high-level this way: you no longer react emotionally to what she says and does.

Also, most of us that struggle(d) with intimacy issues in our marriage suffered from some form of Nice Guy Syndrome. I highly recommend getting the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It can do wonders for your outlook towards women, and relationships in general.

McRamone, you got this man! You are going to move forward with your life and become the best version of yourself......for you! She will either come along for the ride, or she won't. But in a year you will look back and say "I am a much better person today than I was a year ago!" Go out and make that happen.