New here.

[LH19]

I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)

There is always more then you thought and probably more then you can ever imagine.

Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.

Her being remorseful is a good sign. Typically WS are not remorseful when caught.

But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.

This is standard script and just a reason to make you the the bad gut.

So this created a bad dynamic. I was looking for reassurances in my love language (touch) did she wanted to be in a marriage that she still cared and she remorseful.

Do not like for reassurances right now because she can not give them to you.

She did that for a little bit but thought that I wasn’t responding to it so decided to not continue it.

My guess is that she stopped because she is not attracted to you RIGHT NOW.

Then I’d get upset she was pulling away when I needed her more.

Yeah so acting needy at this time is going to be a major turn off to her.

So why not responding coupled with the privacy issue caused her to build up a lot of anger over the last six months.

So she has likely been building resentment for many years and she has hit her tipping point. If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

That leads us to where we are at. She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate.

Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to comingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.

That way she can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that its what she wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.

My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to separate, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.

She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.

Only continue with MC if you feel she is making a valent effort to improve the marriage. The minute you don't feel she is participating productively politely end the sessions.

I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.

If you are afraid you will end up divorced, you will likely end up divorced. Fear is the LBS number one enemy. It causes them to desperate unattractive things.

As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months.

It's good that she moved out. Drop the timeline because it will likely go longer. If you don't it will be like having one of those bomb count clocks in your head. This is a marathon not a sprint and your journey is just beginning.

And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.

You have to hide it. Fake it until you make it.

I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.

The good news is I think your w only has one foot out the door. How you act during the separation may very well determine your fate. If you act sad, mopy and depressed it will likely be permanent. If you get a life like a mad man and act as if maybe you might enjoy being single too you very well have a chance. The decision is yours to make. Good luck and we are here to help.