New here.

[McRamone]

More info.
Kids are mid and early teens. Obviously both live with us now

(Hope I'm getting this quote thing right)

Interesting. What privacy violations did you do before she began cheating and why? Do you have any visibility into why she lost interest in intimacy with you and cheated in the first place? How old are your kids? What do you love about her (besides familiarity) that outweighs being an unfaithful partner? This may shed light on her ability to be faithful, whether it's worth staying, and areas for you to do personal work on to create a more satisfying marriage.

A few things. We grew up with vastly different perspectives on privacy. My W viewed things like open her mail (after being married), looking at her spending, reading her emails - as an invasion. I realize all have varying degrees of severity. But I'm also a very curious person in general and good an finding info on people (this helps in part of my job) There were other things to that crossed most lines of decency though. For example, I read part of her diary when we were dating because I was insecure and want to see how she felt about me. She found out.
She has also always been a private person and more of a loner type. She needs lots of alone time to decompress. My first GF in college was just like this too. So I pick ‘em.
Her family is very demonstrative with affection. She kind of rebelled against. We've also had several long standing disagreements about sex.

But I have ZERO idea (okay one idea) on why she stepped out of the marriage. It was when things were going very well for us. She told me she doesn't know. She has said more times than I can count "it had nothing to do with you, or our marriage. I love you a lot" (I have never believe that)

What do I love? (My MC recently asked me this) Well, I love that she is smart, great with older people, has a great sense of humor, a good mom, we are a great team and compliment each other. I don't put her on pedestal as she has her flaws.

It's her choice. Hopefully, you're being clear you don't want this and aren't using wishy-washy words such as stating it could be helpful. It's great to validate she feels that way or actively listen "You want to move out in a week."

I would be skeptical of any parameters she sets. In many situations, the WAS's parameters only bind the LBS. E.g., if after 3 months she doesn't want to return she won't, but she wants the LBS to commit they'll be waiting and a door wide open in 3 months if they want it. Having a backup plan reduces the risk the WAS takes on in separating.

She knows my stance and it's clear. But I'm confused on the second part. Everything I've read, said you have to have some parameters on everything.

While an unfaithful spouse who wants her own place isn't a promising start, I'm just saying to be clear you don't want this and slow to commit to any unenforceable terms while you're separated.

I understand what you are saying but I don’t get how me agreeing to the 3 months is bad. I am NOT her plan B. She has told me I'm plan A.

You talk about your needs and frustrations. What about hers? What were her complaints? Are their behaviors you need to change to better yourself?

This is where I struggle. I’ve tried to ask her what she needs from me. She hardly says anything other than “I need to not be mad at me.” She does occasionally ask me to go paddle boarding with her, or watch a movie, we go to dinner once week. But I often feel like she doesn’t need much from me. We have a good cadence on splitting up the home and parenting work (if I’m honest, I take on more of it)
She also wants me to ask her when I need things and I am working that but it feels unnatural.

Unfortunately in almost all cases the WS/WAS and their AP have done more than LBS spouse initially thinks or finds out about. Don't be surprised if it actually did involve sex. Sorry.

I certainly know that is the pattern. I found all the stuff before she knew I discovered so unless they were lying in the text. I think I have a good idea. But I could be wrong the questions is 'so what if that is the case?'

It's very common for the person having an affair to get angry and indignant about "invading privacy" or "trust issues" and see that in their minds as worse than the actual affair.

Agree, but unfortunately this was previous issue with us and she can’t separate the two.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to stop her from moving out. That's beyond your control. You need to let go. Use the time to focus on yourself and your sons. Make changes to behaviors you need to address. Work out. Get hobbies. Go out with friends. Work on yourself and make positive changes to improve your life.

This is already being done. I do yoga 2x week, I ride my bike 3Xweek, I’m getting my new treadmill soon. I to go IC. I have a couple of hobbies- cooking, collecting, etc. I go to concerts with friends (or myself). I am fully engaged with both sons (as much as the parent of teens can be.) Teaching my oldest how to drive (Watch out for that tree!)