But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.
Hi McRamone, in a desire to seek balance, we sometimes lose perspective. Often cheaters focus on the privacy violation, but the wrongness of her cheating on you vastly outweighs any wrongness of you snooping a couple of times. It's true you can't rebuild a relationship on snooping. We'd have encouraged you to ask her to open up her devices as a term of you being back in, so she can prove to you she's done with the underhanded behavior, and you can rebuild trust in her being faithful.
Originally Posted by McRamone
this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past.
Interesting. What privacy violations did you do before she began cheating and why? Do you have any visibility into why she lost interest in intimacy with you and cheated in the first place? How old are your kids? What do you love about her (besides familiarity) that outweighs being an unfaithful partner? This may shed light on her ability to be faithful, whether it's worth staying, and areas for you to do personal work on to create a more satisfying marriage.
Originally Posted by McRamone
She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.
It's her choice. Hopefully, you're being clear you don't want this and aren't using wishy-washy words such as stating it could be helpful. It's great to validate she feels that way or actively listen "You want to move out in a week."
I would be skeptical of any parameters she sets. In many situations, the WAS's parameters only bind the LBS. E.g., if after 3 months she doesn't want to return she won't, but she wants the LBS to commit they'll be waiting and a door wide open in 3 months if they want it. Having a backup plan reduces the risk the WAS takes on in separating.
While an unfaithful spouse who wants her own place isn't a promising start, I'm just saying to be clear you don't want this and slow to commit to any unenforceable terms while you're separated.
You can get through this a stronger person, hopefully with a marriage you deserve. So many people here with experience in similar situations! Make sure you get some sleep. Wishing you luck!
