Hello. I’m trying to remain calm and focused. I’m not even sure if this is the right place but my marriage is teetering.
I am 50, W is 46. 2 sons. Same old story - well not exactly. We have been married for 23 years. The last two years have been both incredibly frustrating personally but also incredibly rewarding financially and in our careers.
I am an L. My wife is a psychiatrist.
We moved across the country in 2018 when my W got her dream job at a major Hosptial. I left my job but quickly found a suitable position. It was actually a big financial increase from my old job.
But my W was no longer meeting my intimacy needs and it was upsetting. We had conversation after conversation. She’d try for a few months then declare it was working so she stopped.
We did continue to have sex ( we had a standing time on Friday nights). But we we had arguments in would stop for a few months and it felt like she was punishing me.
I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)
Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.
But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.
So this created a bad dynamic. I was looking for reassurances in my love language (touch) did she wanted to be in a marriage that she still cared and she remorseful. She did that for a little bit but thought that I wasn’t responding to it so decided to not continue it. Then I’d get upset she was pulling away when I needed her more.
So why not responding coupled with the privacy issue caused her to build up a lot of anger over the last six months.
That leads us to where we are at. She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate. She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.
I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.
As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months. And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.
I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.
