Thanks WF, i always read your posts, i mainly agree with them. But i wanted to sit on this one for a bit. Would S8 feel the same if i dates someone? I think theres a huge difference between dating and living with someone, and the dating part he would be ok with i think, providing we still had time just the two/three of us. But im guessing here, we will only know when it happens. At this stage speculation. I do see your point about not my battle, my frustration is due to me picking up the pieces.
Would i feel different to STBXH about S8 demands? I would as they arent really demands to me. An ex colleague of mine gave me some advice when i was pregnant, and it was so simple i totally took it for granted. It was “know your own child” S8 is very wise for his age, like an old soul and there are certain things that are important to him and he is very different to S6, so knowing that i have no problem adjusting. But i see your point, not my battle and noone asked for my opinion. This is on dad. With S8 the easiest thing would be to listen to him, consider his feelings and over time he will actually reach out himself. Yes it does take patience and some insight. And it took me time to build a trusting relationship with him too.
He does know whats mean, i wasnt there, i cant comment, this is what S8 remembers, most of it he doesnt and he said there were some long words he didnt really understand. I can only imagine he felt cornered, because H and him simply dont talk about feelings and previously when S8 attempted he was shut down. I cant imagine it was an inviting convo. Should he have said that, probably not, but for some reason he felt he needed to, which is very unlike him. He is incredibly obedient and will just stay quiet in these situations.
I want to answer all your questions, to try and paint the picture.
s there a chance you're feeding into this? I think if i was both kids would be the same, i never bring uo OW unless they do. To be fair i have only learnt about his dislike in the last couple of month, he has previously said she is ok.
Are you keeping your distaste for OW and/or stbxh to a minimum around S8? I dont show any distate for either, OW we dont talk about unless she comes up and i can ask if all is good there. Re H there are so many times where i could have said something, but i dont, i have people to talk to when i feel frustrated with him, so the kids dont get to hear any of that.
Next is S8 in therapy at all? No, he isnt, but im considering it, i cant do it without h consent obviously.
As S6 seems to be adjusting better with this have you considered putting him in therapy? S6 has his own issues, but he is younger and with having ADHD his mind is constantly racing so he doesnt get to hung up on any of this.
Have you and H sat down with S8 and let him know that he doesn't dictate the visitation and that he doesn't dictate how either household is run? Not in an authoritarian way but just matter of factly? And I know things with stbxh are always kind of a mixed bag but do you think he could get on board with you for sitting down and having that kind of conversation? Have you guys considered family therapy to try to get through this? Are you in therapy right now? If you are has your IC offered you any assistance in ways to deal with S8 and to deal with your emotional turmoil watching S8's?
You will see a pattern through the whole story, he barely engages, only when he wants to, we couldnt agree on anything, still cant, he didn't want mediation either to help. I really dont know what needs to happen for him to consider sitting down let alone going to family therapy. I would be open to doing that, to help S8 and it might be good for all of us anyway. Every time i have suggested doing something as co parents, he might agree in words, but when it comes to outting things in practice, it never happens. We are meant to go for a coffee to discuss this, but im yet to hear back from him about dates and times.
I have spent an hour putting S8 to bed, he was upset, basically the convo that H had with him made S8 want to go there less now. And im exhausted of constantly picking up this mess. I just think its unfair on me, on S8 and S6. H is also awaiting some news re his health, so im reluctant to stir anything up, as he is unlikely to be in the mindset to resolve positively.
