I think you should work on this. As you walk through this journey, you need to get to a place where the indifference is much stronger. Where your husband’s reactions or peeks out of the tunnel are unimportant, amusing or where you don’t even realise they are occurring because you’re so detached.
If you or anybody else can give me some advice on how to reach this stage, please do so. Definitely the part where you mention the word amusing intrigues me. It must be wonderful to get to this point.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I'm well detached, I'm living my life, I think of him quite often but not that it has a huge influence on my current life, but I can't seem to get to the point where I'm indifferent towards his actions or behavior. I guess the biggest reason for that is because he has been a clinging boomerang for 2 years, and the last 6 months more of a boomerang.
Can you actually get to a place of indifference if you still have hope for reconcilliation, to my honest opinion I do not believe this is possible.
In my view detachment and indifference are two separate items. They are closely entangled, with one requiring to first find some detachment to then find some indifference.
To be clear, detachment is when our emotional response is no longer dragged around by our spouse’s behaviour, actions, or words. Indifference is when our emotions do not stir or rise from inputs regarding our spouse.
True absolute indifference is the opposite of love. Lots of folks think that hate is the opposite, however hate and love both require strong emotional connection. Indifference comes from the absence of emotional connection.
This loss or lessening of that connection happens as we find and obtain detachment. Indifference can also be influenced and strengthened by our thoughts and actions. Focusing on ourselves, activities that place us in different settings, and such, all reinforce different thoughts and thus influence our emotional self. As you can see, as one gains more indifference they become more detached as well, each influencing the other.
In this way of thinking, it follows that it is possible that one can be completely detached and yet not be completely indifferent. However, the opposite of being completely indifferent and still attached cannot happen.
From my experience, I’ve found that indifference does unwind a bit after a while. Personally, I believe this is an excellent sign of healing and being emotionally healthy. As we find detachment we become quite indifferent to our spouse. This is new territory for us, and the absence of feelings is quite a startling void. This is wildly new and such a relief. Of course, like all feelings, this absence of feeling is fleeting and will change. Lol.
Is it that indifference unwinds or was it not as complete as we first felt it to be? There is truth in both views. I do believe we over estimate how indifference feels, like the rush from a roller coaster that first ride. Subsequent rides are still thrilling, but not quite the same as being brand new. The same for that void. Our indifference is not quite as profound as the days accumulate.
The other side, the unwinding, is the more important aspect. This happens as our absent good/loving feelings return - without the pain and heartache. Indifference unwinds and detachment remains.
To be completely indifferent towards something or someone is the purest form of apathy. A complete and absolute null within one’s life. That level of lacking emotional response towards a previous spouse or person you’ve know is unhealthy.
My W had such an indifference towards me as she was dropping the bomb. She barely even hated me! Oh my, I so wanted her to feel something towards me. Hate I could work with. Indifference has nothing to work with. The complete absence of emotions towards a person. All emotions, good or bad, absent. I was nothing to her. This is a pretty common thing with far gone MLCers.
The indifference for a LBS is not as absolute. Our’s is a more normal and healthy response to processing our grief. Remember, we first become detached, then indifferent. It during this temporary indifference that we have a wonderful opportunity to delve within ourselves, clear of the noise and commotion of our wayward spouse and their antics.
As we heal, we let go our indifference. It is again, normal and healthy. One’s spouse was someone we deeply felt for, cared about, and loved. It would be quite unreasonable to believe that one would just become totally unfeeling about them. And as we move through our grief we unwind indifference a bit and those good/loving feelings do return. Or more accurately, can return. Some people do actively work against this unwinding. That being said, we can/do find a level of indifference. Above completely null and still far from being attached and dragged around.
A few interesting discoveries are at this juncture of being indifferent and not. Caring and compassion requires a level of indifference. One cannot be truly compassionate without some indifference; again not completely for that would make one not compassionate at all. Empathy also requires a certain grasp and ability to wield indifference.
I use the term wield, for indifference can become part of one’s self. It is controllable or influenceable. Seeing detachment and indifference separate and clearly, one can learn to bring it forth or let it go as needed. In essence, to turn indifference on and off at will. Myself, I can within seconds, become indifferent or lower it down as I wish.
It is this place that in my opinion is the wonderful place you seek or should want to seek.
Yes, I can find my XW’s actions amusing, and/or unimportant, and/or have them go unnoticed. All three (and more) exist and can be recalled as I wish to. Her behaviour and words, and the memory of her behaviours and words, is simultaneously viewed in multiple lens without pain or being dragged around.
You know I’ve got a pretty good grip on the emotional side of things. Which is anchored within the intellectual side of things. Which is of course both anchored within my beliefs and values. I see things factually. See XW factually. Her life, her choices. I can see the pain, humour, torment, loss, gain, reason, irrationality, guilt, sin, self-hate, regret, and so on in her choices and life. And I can look away. And I can see possibilities, and yes even see hope for her. And sadly see hopelessness as well.
Indifference is very much needed to first get here, and that bit of unwinding is very much needed to get retain that which we discover and then to go further. Indifference, and especially the unwinding it does, is such a blessing.
In answer to your query: I have hope and I am quite indifferent. It’s just a different kind of indifferent.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
