I don't have much on the in debt part, but I can kind help with the kid in turmoil part. The plainest way I can say this is the fight for attention between S8 and OW are between them. I understand he's very young and this adjustment takes time, but you have to look at this from the reverse perspective. If you were dating right now and had a guy around would S8 be acting the exact same way? If the answer is most likely you're going to have to start working on letting this go. This isn't your battle to fight. And if you continue to take his "side" this is going to create issues when you're ready to move on and dip your toe into the dating pool. Among other things.
This is Dad's household now. He doesn't have to like it. He doesn't even have to like OW. He doesn't even have to like dad but he does have to accept that this is what dad's house is like and just because we don't like something doesn't mean we aren't obligated to it. In my state unless that kid is in jeopardy they aren't getting out of the visitation schedule until at least 12 if not later. Not liking something isn't a good enough excuse to stop face time with a parent. It's just not. Sure stbxh should be listening and trying to carve out alone time with S8, but the harder S8 pushes how much he'd rather be with you, he'd rather not be around OW, that he flat out doesn't like her the less likely it is that stbxh is going to give in to S8's demands. And if you were in stbxh shoes would you feel differently?
They did do the right thing, they sat down with him and asked him what they can do to make things better for him. S8 took that opportunity not to say it would be nice if I could get some one on one with dad, or anything else that they could accommodate him with, he took that opportunity to throw spite at OW. Not saying his feelings aren't valid, not saying she or stbxh didn't deserve that reaction, but I am saying they gave him and opening and he chose a fight instead. He's 8, that's kinda on stbxh for addressing this is a slightly too grown up matter for an 8yo, it really should've been a guided conversation not an open ended free for all, but at 8 while he doesn't have the impulse control to stop himself, he does know nice from mean and he picked mean.
Now just to be clear I'm not taking stbxh's side on any of this but I'm taking a 30,000 ft perspective so I have a bunch of questions: Is there a chance you're feeding into this? Are you keeping your distaste for OW and/or stbxh to a minimum around S8? Next is S8 in therapy at all? As S6 seems to be adjusting better with this have you considered putting him in therapy? Have you and H sat down with S8 and let him know that he doesn't dictate the visitation and that he doesn't dictate how either household is run? Not in an authoritarian way but just matter of factly? And I know things with stbxh are always kind of a mixed bag but do you think he could get on board with you for sitting down and having that kind of conversation? Have you guys considered family therapy to try to get through this? Are you in therapy right now? If you are has your IC offered you any assistance in ways to deal with S8 and to deal with your emotional turmoil watching S8's?
I've been doing this a long time. And I'm a stepchild, a step sister, a step mother, the mother to a child with a "step-mother." My kids are 19 and 17 and I've been split from my ex for 10 years my H has been split from his ex for 13 years. I'm asking all of this to kinda help you in the long run. Now you as his mom want to just take on all this turmoil for him. Trust me I feel that deep in my bones, but it's not yours to bear. It's yours to support his journey through this. That's it. And if you continue to bear the whole of this for him you will grow in resentment with OW and stbxh over things that are not yours to be resentful of. I'm sure they've given you plenty to be resentful of already. This is emotional bandwidth you don't need to expend. And this will create a huge block in being able to co-parent effectively in the future. And that's just the beginning my friend.
If S8 learns that you agree with his feelings, not support him processing those feelings, but truly agree with them he will learn to use that to his advantage. If he learns that you will give him special treatment because you feel bad that he has to go by Dad's and he hates it there he will use it to his advantage. If he learns that he can manipulate you with his tears and anger to pit you against his dad and OW he will use that to his advantage. If he learns he can pit you against his dad he will use it to his advantage. And looking at that sweet little 8yo old face I'm sure that's very, very hard to believe. I'm sure it's nearly impossible to think of that sweet boy being manipulative and opportunist like that but tweens and teens will try you in ways you can't even begin to fathom and if you give him openings now to use the separation and D as leeway in his behavior or leverage he will latch on to that. I know you desperately want to be his soft place to fall in this, but you are going to have to find a place where you are soft but strong. You'll like have to have a united from with stbxh even if you don't want to. You're likely going to have to be a little tough with him when he's melting down about this stuff. And none of it will be easy but your sanity now and in the future depends on it.
