I haven't provided an update in a while, I've been GALing my brains out! Nephews hockey game, visiting parents, rented a cabin with my buddy for 3 days hiking and playing chess (as much as focus permitted given the situation).
I've also been spending as much time possible reading more threads as opposed to writing on this site to understand the different situations and suggestions.
My situation has developped a little. She's clear that we're separating and moving out. My wife has checked out. No MC, no discussions, no trial separation. She wants to plan the next steps for january, which is moving out or nesting. I'm letting her bring it up and will do my best to avoid nesting. Date is planned for January, if we make it until then. She doesn't sleep in the MBR with me anymore. Its all in, no looking back. I understand I need to get onboard and support/enable this. We'll keep seeing each other since we have our two daughters, so it will be the long game.
I'm doing the steps:
- Never initiate contact, live or via cell. - Be strong, calm and confident - Don't go out of my way for her, yet be supportive, kind and happy. - Make plans, stay busy, don't share info or what i'm doing. - Once the kids are in bed, I avoid the room she's in, unless I need something from there. - Clear communication, no flip-flop/unsure replies or decisions. Be the man I was the first 10 years of our relationship.
A few things I'm not sure about....
1- Should I go to divorce counselling with her? Is there anything in there that can be beneficial? Or is it ok to say, I'm not into it. I originally asked us to go to MC, but she shot that down, later suggested we could go, but she booked us divorce counselling as opposed to marriage counselling. I really love what Wayfarer suggested about discernment counseling. I really want to look into that, however I see that it can be seen as weak and not a good idea to ask her to attend if she's already checked out of the relationship. Any suggestions?
2- Is it considered weak or just being pleasant if I ask how a major, publicly known project she's working on is going in a supportive way? She's usually still polite with me, however she has no feelings left that can be hurt by our separation, that's just me. I feel its kinda rude and distant to just ignore someone you live with and have a 12 year history with. Doesn't it look like I'm playing a game if I just ignore her in that way? I don't hate her, I just hate the situation. I understand how we ended up here, I just wish she didn't give up so fast and brutally.
3- She's already single in her head and living that way. She's told me to start dating, that our relationship is over and its not cheating at this point. Drunken late night party's are forecasted the next few weeks. I'm asking myself if I can deal with her stumbling in at all hours of the night (and morning) under the same roof, or if I ask her to move out before our planned move out date in January? I've read that's its smart to stay under the same roof if possible. At what cost? I don't feel she'll respect the situation.
4- Also, I've read other threads where people suggest refusing all one on one invitations as well as extended family invites. Wouldn't it help with showing her how i've changed if we did spend some time together with others as well as alone? Or do I need to follow the instructions and stay on course?
5- An example: If I head out at lunch time and pick up something to eat for myself, is it ok to offer to pick her something up as well? Or is that being a lost nice guy?
6- Any suggestions from experienced members before she moves out? anything specific I should try to do before? I'll be straight up, my ideal long-term scenario is we reconcile. I know that means i need to let her go and find herself, as well as other men for the next while, however long that is. The long game is played through the kids I guess. I just feel that the time we're under the same roof should probably be used strategically? Or is that manipulative and false hope on my end? I think I know the answer.
Gotta run now, but I'll be back later for more updates and details, just wanted to put this out there for now. Thank you for reading and listening.
