My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Yes H’s actions and reactions are going to be strange. He’s got a lot of guilt and shame to find acceptance with.

Most people approach healing / acceptance as a lot of grief/guilt/fear/pain/hurt/loss/whatever to overcome. In fact, it’s the opposite, one doesn’t overcome such things. Acceptance is making friends with it. Making friends with what has happen, and with what one did.

That is a strange road to walk. To make friends with one’s past. The dark and less than noble past that one lived. It’s pretty easy to see that such a path requires forgiving of self. And that, forgiving, seems to be a tenet that is not widely held in society.

Acceptance is the individual’s journey. For us LBS, our acceptance is us accepting and forgiving our situation and our actions and our spouse’s actions. Of the two, forgiving of self is much more difficult than forgiving others. Therefore and likewise for acceptance.

All of that forgiveness and acceptance is internal to us. The, at first, biggest stumbling block, turns out to be the easiest - forgiving our spouse’s actions. This has nothing to do with them at all! It is completely internal. Completely for us. It is the LBS accepting and forgiving something within ourselves, while not actually condoning their spouse’s behaviour.

That, comes from what we can control. We can control self and nothing more. When we forgive others, we are actually forgiving our reactions to that person and not the person themselves. Love the sinner, forgive the sin. Funny stuff, this internal landscape.

With that step of forgiveness realized - the accepting of others is actually about us - we can turn to ourselves. And at that point, one finds they have already began forgiving themselves. And it becomes even more apt - Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

Acceptance and forgiveness are tied, and make a strange journey. Looking back one’s path is always clearly visible. However, at the time, the path forward is very hard to see. H is in difficult water and has much to come to terms with.

You are correct, Dad is scared to see his kids. They were open and honest. And that forced H to be a bit open and honest with himself. Realize it’s not the kids his scared of, it’s himself.

Of course, that is me, from a viewpoint and perspective of having made friends with fear. The internal journey and all. H has a little ways to go until he sees that.

His leaving early so not to see the boys is an understandable reaction. It shows the build up of pressure within him. This is a better release of that pressure than some other possibilities.

Or do I need to see this as an improvement, an action of which he thinks is the right thing to do?

Your wording is apt. H more thinks than feels that this is the right thing to do. He made a choice to go early. And likewise reached out with gifts to the boys.

As for improvement:

The hurt and emotionally unwell will make hurt and emotionally unhealthy choices. It’s along the spectrum of emotional unhealthy to healthy which one can gauge healing. H is making better choices than before it seems.

For all of us, healing comes in small steps. Wee increments of betterment. Until one day we realize where we are. Happy, whole, and healthy.

H made a better choice. Not a great choice. A better choice.

Choice is better than being driven to. Even poor choice is better.

The most arduous journey is traversed in small steps.

Do you need to see this as improvement? From my perspective, yes. And remember, everything is for you and your welfare. So, yes.

I’m simply afraid he will break their hearts again. He told them he would become the dad he used to be in the past but I have serious doubts about it.

It’s reasonable to have doubts. In fact, let me dissuade those doubts. H will never become the Dad he used to be. He cannot. However, he can be better.

H can never be who he once was. He has done things which before did not exist. Therefore he can not go back.

This is the same for for any of us. We all have knowledge and experiences of events. We become different. Hopefully, better.

H’s wanting to be Dad again is hopeful. He will be a different Dad. He will not be the same. He will be a dismal shadow or he will become someone better. He will be defined and become based upon his choices.

You have the opportunity to pass on such wisdom to your boys. To explain such internal workings of emotion, irrational, forgiveness, and acceptance. To provide rational understanding to some of life’s most irrational and poorly understood or faced facets. To influence growth along the path of light.

Instead of being an actual dad he sent a message to say they could buy new (very expensive) sport shirts and he would pay for it.

He immediately transferred the money over to S17.

They of course accepted the gift but this is no positive education, this is buying them things out of guilt and even trying to buy their love, and I really don't like that. They also see through this but they are still children and who can blame them for accepting this gift.

You can make this a positive education. Anything in life can be positive education and growth.

It’s ok to accept the gift. It’s ok not to accept as well. How one reacts speaks to their internal perspective.

If there are strings attached to this money for sports shirts your boys will find out soon enough. Dad cannot buy their love. If he tries, that speaks to his internal perspective.

All of this is valuable understanding your boys can gain, and a step towards forgiveness / acceptance.

Start with letting go of “instead of being an actual Dad he sent a message…”, and use “He sent a message…”. H is their actual Dad. True, not the Dad they or you want. Or the one he should be. However, what can one control? Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And from that, one’s influence flows. If H/Dad is attempting to be better and make choices, he is open to influences. Live good, and let H/Dad choose his path.

That’s the general path and life I’ve advised and the influence I’ve passed on to my kids.

Have the boys send Dad a picture of them all wearing their new shirts. For unlike my XW, he is somewhat actively working towards being in their lives.

D