Ok, today is the polar opposite of yesterday. I feel like total cr&p. Didnt sleep all night cannot stop thinking about her and OM together, what they did together. I feel in a lot of pain.
Worried I am going to go home and do something I regret, like beg and plead, confront her about OM, etc
Gonna take a lot to hold it together tonight!
This is why I warned you of the emotional roller-coaster being real, and understanding how you will go through so many different emotions over time.
I was not your typical LBS in 2017. I was someone had been through the trenches once already. When my W hit me with "I don't want to be married anymore" after I confronted her with messages between her and her EAP, I made the classic mistakes. Beg, pleaded, cried, made promises, tried reasoning with her. The next day was Christmas Eve and I was depressed and needy, clingy.
On Christmas Day I woke up and things were very close to being normal, with gift exchanges, and calls to relatives. Though still on my mind, it took a backseat to the activities of the holiday.
On the 26th I awoke, sat up, and remember MWD and DBing. I realized the way I had acted on BD and Christmas Eve wasn't going to work. So I went back and read all of MWD's online and email writings. I watched all of her videos. I began to look up similar anti-divorce experts, and began consuming there writings and videos. I started ordering books, mostly ebooks so that I could read them discreetly. And I fell back on how I had approached our 2005 situation and started to get better about putting all of the advice into place. GAL, self-improving, 180ing on bad and unhelpful behavior, and emotional detachment. I even found one book that talked about self-differentiation, which was very similar to emotional detachment. And this book's point was that you have to be a well differentiated individual throughout a relationship in order for that relationship to be successful.
Despite all of that, I still rode the emotional roller-coaster. Some days I woke up resolved that she was making the biggest mistake of her life, that I would go on to a great life, and she would be miserable for letting me go. Some days I woke up convinced that if I played my cards right I could save the marriage and all would be fine. Other days I woke up panicked that my life as I knew it was coming to an end, and in despair about how I could possibly deal with all of the fallout! And still others I would wake up depressed, sad, and woe is me.
And guess what, sometimes those emotions caused me to do things contrary to DB techniques. My WW, who was also a WAW, was very impatient with me starting R talks. I could tell she hated when I would call during my weak moments and temp check her. I got better over time. I had a couple of people I could talk to when I was feeling weak. One was a guy that had gone through a D. He was a huge help to me. I met him on in a divorce support chatroom. He would make time to talk, and just anticipating talking to him would help ease my mind and keep me from starting a R talk with my WW.
So find other resources, this board, a new friend, someone you can trust, etc. That way you are talking to them instead of her. And then LH's suggestion about going for a walk or run is outstanding. I never walked more in my life than I did when I was going through my sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
