Lots of MLCers poke out of their tunnels during Christmas and other special holiday/family times. However, I think it’s a bit too early for upcoming Christmas to be swaying H as much as he is displaying. In my opinion, things have just gotten real for H.
Divorce, house purchasing, kids clearly stating their views, etc. H has finally felt the losses of all that he squandered - marriage, loving wife, loving sons, security, and so on.
H has said quite a bit, and his words are rather nice to hear. And he has even displayed some actions that support his words - calm behaviour, stopped drinking, calling the boys, etc. Hear the words, but listen to the actions. And only half of those. Consistent demonstrated behaviour. That’s the target.
H is making progress. No doubt about it. He may continue slowly along or he may backslide a bit. That’s near impossible to tell. Keep expectations really low. Hope is ok.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I can honestly say that I have a kind of hope again, hope that he is on his way back to being the old one and that there may be a new future for us together, although nothing seems to point in that direction. Why do I have this hope then?
You always had hope. It just was muffled for a while. It happens with indifference.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I didn't think this was possible anymore and that's why it's incredibly difficult to keep your cool now and just listen and validate and not ask too many questions.
It was always possible.
Now that you see it again, the possibilities expand and fill one up. Watch your expectations.
Now, more than ever before, do not ask too many questions!!!
You can clearly see the struggles he is grappling with. He talks about and shows remorse, a good step. He is still the timid scared squirrel. If/when he works his way through this emotional awakening, it will be 18-24 months before he is truly comfortable in his own skin.
Do keep your cool. Answers will come. Be patient. Let him lead the pace. He is mulling over a lot of stuff.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I just keep going, I know that I can't deviate from my path now, and I will certainly succeed.
Absolutely, you’ll succeed.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He still talks as if the divorce is going through. I simply go with the flow now…
It usually takes a real loss for one to make a real change.
Keep moving forward my friend. Do what is best for you.
If (when) consistent demonstrated good behaviour happens, you can always reassess then. H has two weeks so far. That is encouraging. Let’s see if he can add two more weeks, and then make it two months. After all, anything is possible.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
