H is still experiencing his awakening. Seems to last already two weeks now.
It’s an annual tradition to always go on holiday this period with our best friends and the children. Everyone is really looking forward to this. We take long walks, enjoy good food and drinks, play board games, etc. We just got back and really enjoyed it. H was of course not there for 2 years in a row.
While we were there he called the kids again. He now openly talks to them about how he looks at them and shares his feelings, admits he was completely wrong, tells them how proud he is of them and of the people they have become etc. He even told S17 that he has a lot of remorse (first time he uses this word, normally it is always guilt!) for what he did to the family and that he completely destroyed everything. He also said he missed being there with all of us. S17 was very emotional after the call because he was so happy that his father finally opened up to him and also because he said he was proud of him. H never said this before.
There is clearly a change in him. He has a true awareness now. Behavior is very low profile, calm in his talking, polite and friendly. Drinking stopped completely.
I can't explain it but this is a very strange period. I didn't think this was possible anymore and that's why it's incredibly difficult to keep your cool now and just listen and validate and not ask too many questions.
He called this evening. Wanted to discuss some things with me. He asked how the holiday was and if the children had talked about their phone call they had with him. I told honestly everything they told me. H told me it felt good to finally learn to be open with his kids. That he is in a learning process and if I could help him a bit with that. He also said that he was very aware now of the past years and again that he does not know how he will ever forgive himself for what he has done. He is also looking to temporarily rent something close to our current home so that the children can sleep with him when he is here. He also has permission from the bank to buy the house but he has to wait because he is still registered abroad, but if I already have a house in mind he will pay an advance to me.
I just keep going, I know that I can't deviate from my path now, and I will certainly succeed. But I can honestly say that I have a kind of hope again, hope that he is on his way back to being the old one and that there may be a new future for us together, although nothing seems to point in that direction. Why do I have this hope then? He still talks as if the divorce is going through. I simply go with the flow now…
