Situation: H says cant love me like H should and doesnt feel in love with me. He has been sleeping in other room up until 1 week ago. He got hurt playing softball and ended up in the hospital...was very scary...but I was there by his side the whole time. Well, every night since, he has slept in bed with me. Except one night, he just said he needed some space. Since this whole situation has began, I have not once had the R talk. I am wondering how long and what signs I should look for that will let me know I can start asking questions about "us" again? I dont want to push, but I just geel like I am hanging by a thread and dont really know where I stand. He isnt making any efforts to get out of the marriage, just the opposite, like new imporvements to house, talking about refinancing the house. Stuff like that, but I dont get any type of intimacy from him. Actually I asked for hug yesterday and it just felt kind of fake...I hate it!! Any suggestions
Hi L2, That's a good list of positives you have going there. It says your actions are drawing him closer. Time is on your side here. Keep building on those good actions so he can become comfortable with that the good feelings now will now become the norm and will outweigh the bad times of the past. No words you say will ever have the power to do that.
... and its hard to at first see these positive steps without building expectations that his action mean what you want to hear now. But that is not usually the case. Think of your H as sitting on the fence still wonder which side is greener. Based on his mood, or his interactions with you, he will tend to sway to one side or the other, but that doesn't mean he's ready to get off the fence. So let your expectations go as to what you want to read or hear now that you are seeing baby steps. They are more like your H just sticking his big toe in the water to test if he really wants to get in.
When he's comfortable with which side of the fence he wants to be on, he will let you know. So don't initiate any R talks. Let him be the one that brings them up.
Keep watching for more of those baby step and accept them for what they are. A positive moment in the now. In of itself, it is not enough to mean anything yet, but when they are strung together that is when they gain the momentum that can turn things around in his mind. When that momentum is reached, he will let you know.
Thanks for the help...I so wanted to ask about us, but it just might be a setback right now. You are right, I do have to look at the little things and go with them...its just really hard sometimes because I just want to go up to him and squeeze him so hard and tell him I love him. I have done lots of work on myself and because of all of this, I have discovered some of the ways I need to change. Is there some way to let him know that I am glad that he finally was the one to say "we are having problems and Im not happy" It gave me a different perspective on things and it has probably saved us in the long run...we might have a chance now where as if we would have just stayed where we were, it might have gotten so bad, there would be no chance of us again.
Quote: Is there some way to let him know that I am glad that he finally was the one to say "we are having problems and Im not happy" It gave me a different perspective on things ...
One way is to continue to validate his thoughts and feelings, whenever he so chooses to express them to you and tell him how much you appreciate that he has opened up to you.
You can add that in his sharing of how he feels, it has opened your eyes on the things you wish to change about yourself. Despite how heart-wrenching the news was, it allowed you to see a different perspective on things. To prioritize what is important in your life, so you can make changes for the better and that is a gift he gave you that deserves the sincerest Thank You from your heart.
