Still pretty bad sitch

[Traveler]

Yes, validation and active listening take practice.

Validation is about recognizing and acknowledging her feelings. Active listening is about repeating back what you heard in your own words which shows understanding. Neither is about agreeing nor being agreeable. They are both good skills to practice on as many people as you can.

I decided against asking her to go to MC.

Props. You are listening and making some positive changes.

I should have shut this down right away, but I let it run.

Sounds like controlling behavior. Let it go.

I am a big fan of the LBS being so busy that they have to be the one to end the discussion. After listening and validating for a bit "I have to be some where." And then going and GAL.

Yes, that's the best answer!!

She starting talking about how we need to get someone who can look after them, in the event something happens to both of us, until they can get repatriated. This went on for a bit,

Cool. "I get being worried about the kids if something should happen to both of us. So, your plan would be to.. " <Validation + Active Listening>

the. she started a R talk. I should have shut this down right away, but I let it run.

No, that's your controlling side again. You should not shut her down.

She was fully in negative mode - nothing was ever good, ever! She doesnt want to work on marriage,

"You do sound upset. I understand you don't want to work on the marriage."

why do we not separate,

There's that WE again. It's often an implicit attempt to control. Whenever you or she deploy WE when you're not on the same page, try to break it down into YOU and I. "Why are you staying?" (Again, if she cites obstacles such as needing your approval, be clear to remove them without doing leg work.) If you've never stated why you're staying before, this could also be an opportunity to insert "I'm staying because I love you and want to be married to you."

At this point she saw the smokes and started asking if i was smoking. I didnt say anything and she kept going on that I shouldnt do it. She took the smokes with her when she went and asked several times would I stop doing it (btw she smokes).

Strange interaction. "No, I'm not smoking."

During the R talk I didnt raise my voice, I stressed I wanted to get my family back. I let her do 60% of the talking and tried to validate and empathise.

I like LH's goal to go from 40% of the talking to 20% of the talking.

The R talk ended with her saying she was still “observing”.

That's not a TERRIBLE outcome. It sounds like you did not lash out at her, break down crying, or spend hours trying to persuade her. Keep working at it. (: