I get a lot of great advice on these forums, but sometimes I feel it is all geared towards, “Hurry up and get the divorce, you are only postponing the inevitable”.
Scared not one person has said to hurry up and divorce. People are telling you to have zero expectations and to make changes for you. This is where you are not there yet. You have a cut-off date which is very reasonable time-line.
Originally Posted by may22
The fact that you're asking about that tells me that you're still looking for a solution-- if I only do X then she'll turn back to the M and we'll be on track again. That is a cheeseless tunnel. My advice is that every time an idea strikes of something "to do" sit with it (like you did with this idea-- congrats!) and really parse out for yourself-- is this in any way pursuit? Does this in any way try to get a response out of my W
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
Originally Posted by scaredA
I'm really struggling with defining boundaries. One of them is that I wont listen to her disrespecting my family. She did it a few times during last nights talk. I said I wont listen to that and said I would leave if she continued. I should have been more forceful.
Unfortunately without clear, solid, boundaries and being hard-core about what you want and need you will struggle mightily. That's what people respond too and being soft with a wayward tends to make them walk all over you.
Originally Posted by scaredA
It raised my spirits that you feel some progress has been made. I also think some very small baby steps have occurred. Three months ago we had zero communication except arguments. You are right, I need to focus on the changes that have occurred and remember that DBing achieved these and so I should keep at it.
