May, Thankyou for this post. It really helped me a lot. I am happy that you think there is some improvment, no matter how small, it really helps me to have some small goals to aim at. I get a lot of great advice on these forums, but sometimes I feel it is all geared towards, “Hurry up and get the divorce, you are only postponing the inevitable”. Thankyou again.
Originally Posted by may22
Hi SA,
I completely agree with the others about not inviting her to speak to a DB coach. I did this, actually, and my H had a session with her. I don't think it was helpful. In fact, I'm kind of embarrassed about it now. I would strongly recommend against it.
The fact that you're asking about that tells me that you're still looking for a solution-- if I only do X then she'll turn back to the M and we'll be on track again. That is a cheeseless tunnel. My advice is that every time an idea strikes of something "to do" sit with it (like you did with this idea-- congrats!) and really parse out for yourself-- is this in any way pursuit? Does this in any way try to get a response out of my W (=control)?[\quote]
Thanks, I am starting to realise this is a marathon. I dont need to respond immediately to everything.
[quote=may22]The 180s are for you, not for her. To be a better person/father/potential partner in the future. Moving away from the stonewalling/critical version of SA sounds like a great thing. The tiptoeing around and walking on glass, not really a 180.
Im struggling with the balance of not initiating conversation and appearing to be stonewalling again, as I did that for so long and I dont want to appear to be doing more of the same. Any help on this would be greatly appreciated.
Originally Posted by may22
I totally get the desire to fight for your M b/c of your kids. I don't think that DBing is walking away, necessarily, though it may take that form for some. It is giving your M the best chance it has to succeed. You have your cut-off date-- great! I know others may disagree, but I actually do think that you've seen progress with your W and to me that means keep up the DBing-- don't compromise all your progress by trying to get her in MC before she's ready, starting up the pursuit too soon, trying to manipulate her into doing certain things, etc. Take all that energy and refocus it on yourself and your kids. I'd also recommend keeping a close eye on your boundaries-- this is especially important when you still live together. Take time and energy to be sure you're protecting yourself emotionally through all of this. It is hard.
Im really struggling with defining boundaries. One of them is that I wont listen to her disrespecting my family. She did it a few times during last nights talk. I said I wont listen to that and said I would leave if she continued. I should have been more forceful. It raised my spirits that you feel some progress has been made. I also think some very small baby steps have occured. Three months ago we had zero communication except arguments. You are right, I need to focus on the changes that have occured and remember theat DBing achieved these and so I should keep at it.
