SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[wayfarer]

To answer your first paragraph, I want my relationship, I want to work at it. I'm not looking for the easy way out, I'm willing to sacrifice.

Fair enough, bro. But from what I've seen here you're barely willing to put yourself through minor inconvenience if W doesn't have an immediate response, so you better be very very sure about that before you commit to standing. There is a lot of swallowing your pride, eating sh!t sandwiches, and not allowing your ego to do the driving. If you're willing to actually sacrifice for standing, we're here to support you through that. But standing isn't easy. Neither road is but standing, in and of itself, takes a whole lotta of discipline and introspection. I personally don't know if you're up to that. But you do.

Moving in with my buddy part-time, is the option if we choose to nest. If nesting doesn't work, I'd want to keep the house, pretty sure she wouldn't want it. However, now I'm confused, most people are saying as the LBS I need her to do the work and file papers, etc....

The "plans to leave" are if we proceed with nesting. I wasn't aware of all the negative aspects. So now I need to reconsider that plan.

Nesting is a terrible idea unless the two of you can handle some very very strict rules and be ok with policing each other, which almost no couple who's falling apart at the seams can. On top of it in the event of the D why would put yourself in the position of be court ordered out of the house until she has a place of her own? She wants to leave she can leave. It's not your job to help her design her new life. You don't want to leave then you stay.

This paragraph contains the answer I was looking for, which was, how do I react to living with my x-wife if she's out partying and dating while we're under the same roof. This part definitely seems like the hardest.

Standing is hard. It's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do if it's what you choose to do here. But you get to leave with the satisfaction that you tried, and wanted to try, and no matter how it ended you were willing to do what it took to repair things even if that meant doing nothing.

I didn't realize this approach was an option longterm: "It's because you believe in your marriage even if your W doesn't. It's so you can say you were willing to do what ever it took to save this. Including relinquishing control and waiting patiently to see what happens. IHS isn't easy, but it's doable." It seemed to me that would show some weakness and the opposite of moving forward & GAL. I need to read up more on boundaries.

This has zero to do with boundaries. Do you tell a roommate when they can come and go? Do you tell them who they can and can't spend time with? Do you worry about what your roommate ate for dinner? Or who they ate it with? No you don't. Because you're not their keeper, or their parent. If you want to do this this isn't about boundaries as you are still thinking of them. They are not intended for your W they are for you. Physical boundary that I articulated my H could not sleep in the bed with me while he wanted to be sleeping with someone else. Emotional boundaries that I didn't articulate, no conversation outside of business: kids and bills, he was not privy to my inner life, thoughts or emotions even if they were about him, when I GAL'd I didn't announce where I was going or what I was doing, or with whom, I just made sure he knew he was in charge of dinner and pick up for the kids. I think you need a better understand of an IHS is or even a S because it isn't weakness to let your spouse live their life. It isn't weakness to stand for your marriage. It's weakness to let their choices affect how you live yours. It's weakness to try to control your spouse. It's weakness to try to trick them back into the MR. It's weakness to change things about yourself solely for the purposes of trying to convince your spouse to love you and stay.

As for taking the high road, its wild how the automatic reaction is opposite to what seems to actually work. Just like you've guys have said all along. When I learned about W's EA that ended (temporarily?) a month ago, and considering how well the past 7-10 days have gone between us, and that there was no news on the counselling front, I was actually considering confronting her with "look, this isn't working, I've been approached by an old friend/x-GF about seeing each other and I'm gonna go ahead with it, I just wanted to be honest and up front." This is true, that we've been in contact, but nothing more than messaging and I have not accepted or made a move. I actually backed off. My thinking was that it would make my W p!$$ or get off the pot. But after reading you guys, i guess not? I can see how this could be playing games.

What in the actual *&$@?? There is so much to unpack there I literally don't even know where to start. Honey, I'm going to need you to re-read DR like at least twice. And probably read through every single one of the newbie links again.

A revenge affair is all fun and games until it's not. And that's not counterintuitive. Every one who gets themselves in one knows exactly what they're doing and why they are doing it. They also are well aware of the fall out. But scorched earth feels good when nothing else really does. So let's not pretend it's counterintuitive. Let's be honest about what this is and then move the eff on.

If you choose to stand for the MR you are going to have to block that woman on literally everything. You opened a flood gate not a window. It's your job to close it.

I'm gonna have to study your last two paragraphs, I'll definitely need some guidance. Any suggested reading concerning how to go about this.

I'll need you to be more specific about what you need guidance for in order to know what I'm suggesting.