You need to decide if you're standing for this MR or moving on first. This wishy washy stuff is going to get you no where but continually spinning. Are you in or are you out? I have no investment either way, but the way we advise you differs greatly. And what you should be doing right now differs greatly. You need to decide what you want here, or no one can help you. Not us, not an IC, not your friends or family. You have to know what you want and be ready to commit to that decision because neither road is pleasant or easy.
If you're out go ahead and leave the house. Go move in with your buddy. Get a lawyer. File for D. And make your OLD profiles. If you don't want to be married any more, and you don't want to do this with your W any more than take control of your life, not hers, and move on. Looks like you have a half way decent escape plan reasoned out. You'll still need to iron out details about your kids being with you in your buddy's house and probably some other custody details. You'll have to start thinking about dividing up the belongings and finances. And of course you'll need to start packing. But once you handle those basics you can be on your way.
If you're still in I gotta ask why are you making all these plans to leave? Your job as an LBS if you're choosing to stand is to be the husband and father you've always been. Minus the sweet dating kind of husband-y things. You go on with your life as normal. You're W lives in her indecision and chaos as your roommate and you live your life in your home, sleeping in your bed, being the rock your children need, working on you and waiting it out. If you give this an appropriate timeline she'll either p!ss or get off the pot. But the point of standing for your MR isn't so you can "get affection" else where. It's because you believe in your marriage even if your W doesn't. It's so you can say you were willing to do what ever it took to save this. Including relinquishing control and waiting patiently to see what happens. IHS isn't easy, but it's doable. It's beyond doable. There's people here who were/are in IHS for years. I wouldn't recommend taking it that far, but it only becomes toxic if you contribute to the toxicity. If you relinquish control and focus on you and the kids, it's simply a roommate situation. Maybe it's a gateway to 2 households, maybe it's a gateway to MR 2.0. But it's a reset everyone in the house needs where there are established boundaries and the ground work for the next step whatever it may be gets laid.
If you think a physical separation is best while you stand for your MR that's fine too. A lot of people go that route as well. But that's not a free for all if you are planning on standing. This isn't a place of tit for tat. You will have to take the high road and be the better person. You will have to maintain moral superiority. Not so you can hold it over W's head but if you ever want there to be a chance at you saving this MR you don't get to sleep with a bunch of women and think that's calling it even. The playing field evens out in recon. Not before.
This is a lot to think about. And I, myself, did the IHS while I prepared for D just in case. I separated our finances, and got a L. I had separation papers drawn up. I worked out what my new budget would look like. I made plans for my new life with or without my H. I never gave up on him even though I was close, often. I really never gave up on our MR. But I'm prudent. I knew the risks, and planned for every possible outcome. That's how I gained control back.
Pick a path. Pick a path with a secondary route. Pick a path with a time line. Pick a path with conditional options to pick a different one. Do what ever feels right, but you have to pick a path. Sooner rather than later.
This post is amazing, thank you so much Wayfarer.
To answer your first paragraph, I want my relationship, I want to work at it. I'm not looking for the easy way out, I'm willing to sacrifice.
Moving in with my buddy part-time, is the option if we choose to nest. If nesting doesn't work, I'd want to keep the house, pretty sure she wouldn't want it. However, now I'm confused, most people are saying as the LBS I need her to do the work and file papers, etc....
The "plans to leave" are if we proceed with nesting. I wasn't aware of all the negative aspects. So now I need to reconsider that plan. This paragraph contains the answer I was looking for, which was, how do I react to living with my x-wife if she's out partying and dating while we're under the same roof. This part definitely seems like the hardest.
I didn't realize this approach was an option longterm: "It's because you believe in your marriage even if your W doesn't. It's so you can say you were willing to do what ever it took to save this. Including relinquishing control and waiting patiently to see what happens. IHS isn't easy, but it's doable." It seemed to me that would show some weakness and the opposite of moving forward & GAL. I need to read up more on boundaries.
As for taking the high road, its wild how the automatic reaction is opposite to what seems to actually work. Just like you've guys have said all along. When I learned about W's EA that ended (temporarily?) a month ago, and considering how well the past 7-10 days have gone between us, and that there was no news on the counselling front, I was actually considering confronting her with "look, this isn't working, I've been approached by an old friend/x-GF about seeing each other and I'm gonna go ahead with it, I just wanted to be honest and up front." This is true, that we've been in contact, but nothing more than messaging and I have not accepted or made a move. I actually backed off. My thinking was that it would make my W p!$$ or get off the pot. But after reading you guys, i guess not? I can see how this could be playing games.
I'm gonna have to study your last two paragraphs, I'll definitely need some guidance. Any suggested reading concerning how to go about this.
