Ex wife finally admitted to the affair at the girl's trip. She is living with him in Colorado.
Affairs are acts of anger -- she has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since she's avoidant, she hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve her resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists.
Once people have affairs, they initially feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if she's not a bad person, then the reason she did a bad thing must have been because you drove her to it, you made her do it, and therefore you are the bad person and she is the victim.
Once she gets there, she'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why she will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because she's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
Right, they literally can't. The cognitive dissonance is too strong. Everything starts from the position of "I am not a bad person" and leads from there, to reiterate what you've stated.
I have read that at some point many MLCers do wake up to the ramifications of what they have done in a visceral way-- sometimes this realization makes them suicidal.
More likely, and sadly, I think she will just devolve further and further into sociopathy-- different rules for her vs. everyone else-- hatchet job morality. And she literally has an experienced master trainer to further teach her the ways.
This is silly but it's literally the path of Anakin Skywalker to Darth Vader. Anakin even gives his justifications for his heel turn-- "from my point of view it is the Jedi who are evil" etc.
