Unless your teen is barely 13 this is insane. His reactions have nothing to do with how "well" you two are doing. Your son learned how to handle his mother from you, but teenagers don't have the impulse control adults do. I won't deny there are women who physically abuse men. Nor will I deny there are mothers who will resort to physical discipline when their teenage sons become physical more looming than they are. But you set the example and he will follow it with all the logic and impulse control of a teenager. Which means next to none.
He was actually 12 last time it happened when they were on holiday together in July. He turned 13 in August. Im trying to set an example now. Im talking in calmer voice. I am descalating situations. I am telling him he cannot spoke to his mother like that when he is rude or swears at her. I am telling him it is ok to be angry, but not disrespectful. I know I should have been doing this years ago.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You're 6'2" you're almost a foot taller than this women and your way of handling her hitting you is to push her? You could practically step over her if you needed to. Look I'm not saying she probably didn't need a push here or there when she blocked you into a corner or was blocking a door way, because all abusers act the same regardless of gender. They corner you. So I know there are situations for better or worse where things like this happen. But you let this play out in front of your kids for how many years? On top of that you're trying to save your MR to a physically abusive partner for what? Why would you want that?
Its not just her hitting, she sometimes wrestles and thats when I need to push her off. The last time she hit me was round the head with her phone in July 2020. At that time I just walked off and said “I am not going to let you do that to me”. Maybe I am rewriting history, she may have a different recollection. It doesnt really happen between us in front of the kids. But my teen is bigger than her now and they wind each other up, escalating and escalating until they get physical. This hasnt happened since the holiday in July. I put it down to me intervening and deescalating the situation. Again she may feel differently about this.
I wouldnt say see is generally physically abusive, she can get carried away sometimes with her temper. Hi also loose my temper, but I get verbally abusive. I am working on this. I do not want the old relationship back. Things need to change from both sides. But, its only me who wants it at the moment.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Lastly good on you for trying to deescalate but you'd be better served showing your son how to get out of these situation with his mother instead of mitigating the problem for him, because whether or not you save this marriage that woman will be his mother for the rest of his life, and you may get her keep her hands to herself, but it's a long road to stop the train that she willingly starts moving to get conversations heated enough to get to that point.
Im trying to teach him to pick his battles, rather than making everything a point to fight over. I know a lot of things need to be resolved. Things need to progress glacially slowly. We have been in this positon before and when things start to improve we revert to normal and 6 months later -BANG- back to the same situation. If things improve, if ever, I need to keep focus on the speed. However I do not feel I can currently discuss the underlying issues at the moment, these can only be discussed when she is aligned with working on the MR (if she ever will be)
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Hi yeah, it's a seesaw when you have two willing participants in a MR that allow an imbalance to happen in the relationship. And those same two willing participants want to rectify that situation. That is currently not the case in your relationship. You're still only working with one fully willing participant. You can't force her to be a good parent. Nor can you force her to parent those kids if she doesn't want to. If you have to do absolutely everything for those kids while you are trying to figure out what to do here in this MR you're going to just have to do it. Your kids come first. They are not pawns. They are not puppies. They are not neutral observers in this this situation. They are just as in the middle of chaos as you are and you trying to pawn them off on a person who doesn't want to deal with them to prove a point is kind of cruel. So what if she's doing less? What if she wants so badly out of the MR she flees the country tomorrow and it's just you and the kids? Then what? Are you going to sit and wait until she gets back to parent? Are you going to do only 1/2 the parenting?
You need to be living your life "as if" right now. As if she isn't part of your MR or your family life. As if you two were still in separate households. If she wants to participate so be it. If she doesn't, fine. She doesn't guide or direct the course of the household. You do because you will do so with the safety and stability of your children in mind. She will exist in parallel to it. You include her if and when you feel like it, but you plan for her not to include her self.
I understand you don't want to live like you were when you were in separate households but you don't have that luxury. She's not all in. And until she is you need to stop acting like you can trick her into being the wife and mother you want her to be. You're just going to have to do everything for the kids and hope she chooses to be a part of their lives in a meaningful way.
Her being in the home doesn't really change you're circumstances. The sooner you accept that the easier this is going to be for you.
I love your posts wayfarer, I really do. Dont get my wrong I am fully devoted to the kids, just sometimes I cannot do two things at once (making lunches and putting them to bed). I will try and practice your “As If” advice above
