I understand that they both had bruises, although I saw the photos of hers. She has been physically violent with me also, although no one would probably believe it, im 6ft 2 and she is around 5ft 3. I have responded to her occasional violence by pushing her or moving her out of the way. Due to this she says I am voilent. I do not beleive I am and I have never, ever initiated anything physical. Since we have re started talking I have tried to support her more with my son and to deescalate any situation that has started between them. I have commented that his behaviour is better when our behaviour is better and she has agreed with this
Unless your teen is barely 13 this is insane. His reactions have nothing to do with how "well" you two are doing. Your son learned how to handle his mother from you, but teenagers don't have the impulse control adults do. I won't deny there are women who physically abuse men. Nor will I deny there are mothers who will resort to physical discipline when their teenage sons become physical more looming than they are. But you set the example and he will follow it with all the logic and impulse control of a teenager. Which means next to none.
You're 6'2" you're almost a foot taller than this women and your way of handling her hitting you is to push her? You could practically step over her if you needed to. Look I'm not saying she probably didn't need a push here or there when she blocked you into a corner or was blocking a door way, because all abusers act the same regardless of gender. They corner you. So I know there are situations for better or worse where things like this happen. But you let this play out in front of your kids for how many years? On top of that you're trying to save your MR to a physically abusive partner for what? Why would you want that?
Lastly good on you for trying to deescalate but you'd be better served showing your son how to get out of these situation with his mother instead of mitigating the problem for him, because whether or not you save this marriage that woman will be his mother for the rest of his life, and you may get her keep her hands to herself, but it's a long road to stop the train that she willingly starts moving to get conversations heated enough to get to that point.
Originally Posted by scaredA
Im trying to step up for the kids, but it feels the more I do the less she start doing. MWD says relationships are like a see saw, the more someone does of something the less the other does. Im not sure if I should just start directly asking her to do things for the kids, like when I asked her to tell put them in bed tonight.
Hi yeah, it's a seesaw when you have two willing participants in a MR that allow an imbalance to happen in the relationship. And those same two willing participants want to rectify that situation. That is currently not the case in your relationship. You're still only working with one fully willing participant. You can't force her to be a good parent. Nor can you force her to parent those kids if she doesn't want to. If you have to do absolutely everything for those kids while you are trying to figure out what to do here in this MR you're going to just have to do it. Your kids come first. They are not pawns. They are not puppies. They are not neutral observers in this this situation. They are just as in the middle of chaos as you are and you trying to pawn them off on a person who doesn't want to deal with them to prove a point is kind of cruel. So what if she's doing less? What if she wants so badly out of the MR she flees the country tomorrow and it's just you and the kids? Then what? Are you going to sit and wait until she gets back to parent? Are you going to do only 1/2 the parenting?
You need to be living your life "as if" right now. As if she isn't part of your MR or your family life. As if you two were still in separate households. If she wants to participate so be it. If she doesn't, fine. She doesn't guide or direct the course of the household. You do because you will do so with the safety and stability of your children in mind. She will exist in parallel to it. You include her if and when you feel like it, but you plan for her not to include her self.
I understand you don't want to live like you were when you were in separate households but you don't have that luxury. She's not all in. And until she is you need to stop acting like you can trick her into being the wife and mother you want her to be. You're just going to have to do everything for the kids and hope she chooses to be a part of their lives in a meaningful way.
Her being in the home doesn't really change you're circumstances. The sooner you accept that the easier this is going to be for you.
