SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[BL42]

wayfarer,

Ok so I have a ton of opinions on your sitch but I'm going to keep most of them to myself because most of them aren't particularly kind. But I'll give you some food for thought because that's the best I can muster without scaring you away from this board which I desperately think you need.

You can take or leave what I have to say with a grain of salt but you've left a lot of information out of this particularly about your MR and you specifically that leads me to follow my gut and my gut with guys who blame problems on everything but themselves usually get my hackles up. Maybe my vibes are off about this and it's simply because you haven't had the time to explain better. I'm hoping you can offer some clarity so I can be a little more supportive and a little less accusatory.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're are some poor shlub who just wanted a W and kids and the happy little family he signed up for and his W went totally off the rails. And you just need love and support through this. But I've yet to have gotten that here. I'm hoping when you have time to offer more there is actually more.

I have to say, it definitely comes across to me like you're coming out pretty harsh and hostile against costanza right out of the gate. We're all in agreement that A) the SSRIs shouldn't be his main focus and B) he should self-reflect on his contributions to the demise of the marriage, but it's not unreasonable for him to wonder whether they're a factor...most people coming to this board are trying to diagnose the problem so they can find a remedy. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a controlling/monster of a husband.

costanza,

Dig down deep and tell us how you contributed to how you got where you at right now.

As you focus on yourself-- can you tell us behaviors that you have that may have contributed to the failure of your M? Take the SSRIs and her depression episodes completely out of the picture and just focus on YOU. I'd be interested to know if you have any 180s you'd like to make, for yourself.

Wayfarer has a point though, and most of the people posting on your thread either alluded to or explicitly asked...are you doing any self-reflection on your contributions to the state of the marriage? Take time to think about it. It's never completely one-sided. Were there resentments you held? Did you stonewall or act out? Are their ways you could've acted or communicated better? This is an important aspect of DB'ing. Reflect on these questions and let the answers inform your 180s.

I would also caution you that if your wife is out drinking and going to new classes etc, she might have her eye on another man. Prepare yourself mentally for this.

I'm not saying there is another man - how could I possibly know for sure - but an extremely high percentage of situations on this board involve an emotional and/or physical affair...even when the spouse swears up and down there's no one else. All I'm saying is prepare yourself for the possibility, because if there is it will be tough to handle and might set you back.

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her. If anything I think she wishes there was so it'd be easier for me to accept.

I thought this too. My husband couldn't even tell a tiny white lie. Ever. Not saying your wife is having an affair. But new job, going out with friends, new school... I don't think you can necessarily discount this as a possibility.

I mentioned this above. Thornton mentioned it. Do you have any indication whatsoever of another man involved? Even just a gut intuition? Is she guarding her phone? That's typically a big tip-off.

From what I have read, she's still in the house-- is that true? What are the sleeping arrangements? She's just been talking about wanting to talk to someone about starting the separation?

Can you tell us more about the logistics of the situation?

Something that helped me a lot in my sitch was "you can't clap with one hand." No matter how much I wished otherwise, I couldn't force my H to do anything. I could only control myself. And when I really understood this in my bones, I was able to really focus on myself, my boundaries, and what was best for me and my kids, without getting distracted by wishing for change that wasn't within my power to effect.

Great quote.