I just want to also be clear that 2 of the main things that happened in my MR before my H went out and started an A were tied to my depression.

1) I waited way too long to get help, but I was able to reason my way out of it was because I wasn't suicidal. I knew and know that's not a milemarker in getting help, but I used it as a crutch because it's socially acceptable to believe depression is ONLY suicidal ideation. My mental health took a huge toll on my H and my MR, even if it was taking a much greater toll on me

2) My H thought depression meant sad. He was one of those wonderful people who tell you smile, and take walks, and work out and get sunshine, and drink water and all will be well. He never once bothered to understand what it was, even after I started treatment. Nor did he research how to cope as a partner or how to support at a partner.

I failed my H and my MR because I didn't want to put in the work that it requires to be treated, well because I was depressed and didn't think I had the emotional bandwidth. And because I let my functional depression convince me that no one else was suffering but me because I was doing everything I was supposed to be while I was dying inside.

My H failed me and our MR because it was easier to believe I was a Negative Nancy sad sack type of person than it was for him to accept that his W needed help, and that he needed to be part of that. He failed me and our MR because he thought he knew everything he needed to know about my mental health. He then failed me and our MR because he started talking to people outside of our MR and my care team about me and my mental health, which then lead to an A.

It takes 2 people for a MR to fall apart. Let's try the house metaphor. My H set the house on fire and repeatedly pointed at it being my fault because I busted all the windows out and refused to fix them so the rain came in and destroyed the walls and floors. Ignoring that he had ripped all the doors from the hinges and smashed holes in the load bearing walls before he ever started the fire.

Your W started the fire. But that house wasn't destroyed only by her.