4 months after BD

[BL42]

Galaga,

Sorry you're in this situation. We all know what you're going through, and are here to help you.

SteveLW's response is great and you should read it several times. I'll add my own $0.02.

I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.

Why were you drinking more? Why were you unhappy? Were you frustrated about job, friends...your marriage? You should probably think hard on this one. Don't know if it's the case here, but often times the LBS spouse is often frustrated with their marriage but that gets lost in the fear and sense of loss after BD. Is it possible you weren't happy either and were acting out because of it? Something to ponder and reflect on as you work on becoming a better man for the future.

At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room.

Dead giveaway of an affair, even if there's no tangible evidence. It's intuitive. All of a sudden she's guarded and acting so much differently with her phone than before. My ExW and I always used to pick up each others' phones and text someone or show the kids a video or whatever and it was never thought twice about, but all of a sudden...

In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man.
She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.

Sorry man. That [censored]. Unfortunately she's almost certainly lying. No way they kissed only twice. Don't believe her.

I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".

Took my ExW 3 sessions to say that.

I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.

That's good. Important to work on yourself and improve for the future. Keep it up!

"I know you're changing but it's too late for me"
"Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.)

Classic. They're mad at us for correcting the behaviors they asked us to change.

Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June)

Did you know she was moving out that week, or was that a surprise?

and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?)

Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.

As SteveLW says, "cakeeating" She wants to have her affair but still place nice family when it suits her.

She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.

Take it to heart, be honest with yourself, and work on the traits/behaviors to improve yourself for the future.

Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends

Your response should be: "You're my wife. I'm not interested in being friends."

I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.

Yep. Join the club. Can't change it. Just get strong moving forward.

During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart.
I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together.

She's lying. They likely spoke more than twice and maybe even met up multiple times. You absolutely can not trust anything she says, even if she looks and seems like your W she's a different person. My ExW lied directly to my face multiple times, despite me having tangible evidence.

BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.

Does AP's ExW know? This likely won't end as rosey for your W as she imagines.

I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person

That's great. You absolutely should...and keep it up.

and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".

Drop it. You won't be able to convince her. Sorry to say but she's only thinking of this other guy and has to learn the hard way. It most likely won't end pretty for her if he's living with his ExW for 10 years. They're not going to ride off into the sunset.

I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time.
"Why would you want to support me after what I've done?"
"AP didn't break up our family, I did"
"Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"

Like SteveLW said. Stop this. It's extremely unattractive. What she's saying to you actually makes sense if you think about it objectively. It would be puzzling to betray someone and then have them beg you to take them bad. You're validating her ability to walk all over you. Stand up and get strong.

However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.

Good! Keep it up.

She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.

Yep. Once they make up their minds they gravitate to the people encouraging that decision and shun the folks who question the decision. You should've heard my ExW ranting about cheaters and divorce, even those within her family...until she decided to. Then all those people were her best friends and anyone who questioned her choices or recommended she slow down were cut off.

She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).

Good. Take advantage of the financial donation.

Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".

She should be. I imagine they will know what she's up to and won't look too kindly on it.

Has most of her gear still at the house

Be proactive. Be strong. Pack it all up in boxes and bags and put it in the garage or on the porch and tell her it's ready for her to pick up.

Hang in there Galaga. It's going to be a rough road but you'll get through it and you will be alright.