SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[costanza]

I've read the book, and spent many hours on this sight the past few weeks trying to absorb as much as possible. The advice all seems to point to one single approach. If we had to take a guess, what's the success rate of people on here using this approach? I'm assuming most people come here in an attempt to make the rocky relationship get back on the rails, right? I guess there are also some people that came here looking for a way to cope and move on from the divorce?

I will answer your success rate of people on here using the best approach in the way you intended: saving their marriage. Ain't gonna lie, it is low. BUT it is exponentially higher than the alternative which is to hold on tight, pressure and pursue.

Now the real answer is that the success rate is nearly 100%....when you change the goal. The real goal is to come through your sitch healthy, happy and a better person. Almost everyone that DBs does that regardless of what their WAS eventually decides.

Almost everyone comes here wanting to save the marriage. Almost everyone on here eventually realizes that that is not up to them and then decides the better approach is the learn to cope and MOVE FORWARD (not on) with their own life.

For the people that failed in rekindling the relationship, what's the main reason it failed? Failure to apply the technique correctly or just bigger issues beyond the what the method could achieve?

The main reason is that you cannot control other people. Most come here with the hope they can control their spouse in some way, shape or form. The first lesson to learn is that you cannot. Which means even if you do everything right from the minute they drop the D bomb, THEY still get to decide whether to stay or go. It takes two committed people to make a MR work. It only takes one to make a D. So you DB for yourself. SOMETIMES it can help to save your marriage. A lot of times no matter what the WAS is determined to leave. But DBing always helps you move forward with your life, one way or the other!

For the people that succeeded in rekindling the relationship, did you do anything different to this method and approach? Did anyone sway completely off course and still succeed?

Like anything in life these questions are too complex to have a full answer. Again, you are assuming the LBS has any power at all. They do not. The reason LBS feel so helpless is that in 99% of the situations the WAS holds all the power for whether or not the MR continues or ends. So these questions are flawed because they are based on a false belief.

What I can tell you is I've been through twice. I've seen what being sad, mopey, depressed while at the same time being super spouse, doing everything, pressuring and pursuing and doing what came instinctually did. It pushed my W further away. When I pulled back, focused on me, GAL like a madman!, concentrated on 180ing and self-improving to be the best version of myself for me, and to be properly, and lovingly detached, my wife wondered what was different and started to get interested in what was changing.

DBing is not a 100% surefire, do everything right and it will save your marriage approach. But it will save you!! And sometimes the marriage comes along for the ride.

Reason I ask, from what I gather there are many that swear by the technique, yet still failed, but claim its the only way to get it back.

People swear by it because it moves the goalpost from trying to save your marriage to trying to save yourself. Almost everyone that has used DBing tactics has realized how much better their lives were afterward, whether the marriage was saved or not.

The method describes my personality when dating over 12 years ago, it's exactly what I was doing before settling down. Not proud of it, but I was very picky in life and dated a lot of women and hurt many of them. I settled down with my wife/x-wife and had kids much later in life. My past was a bit of an issue with my wife/x-wife, she really had a hard time with the aloofness and cold/hot during the first years of dating. I actually broke off with her after a year, but ended up getting back with her after a 9 month break. I really wanted to be sure of my decision. It really hurt her and she let me know about it for years.

Now, what I'm questioning is the whole distancing technique, My wife/x-wife is the most sensitive person I know, she would want me to fight for her, and often mentions how I gave up on her so quick the first time. I've let her down in the past by being hard to get and aloof, if anything, that is one of the things i need to change in myself. I understand the roles are reversed now, and she's the one asking for divorce, I might sound like a broken record, but this is not her.

My wife/x-wife is fighting depression and medicated. She is not herself, what kind of person is ok with abandoning that at the first sign of divorce? Especially with kids 2 & 4 involved? Isn't "manning up" about being strong and believing in something no matter the odds and obstacles? That must in some way count for something? Maybe not today, but in a discussion 3, 6 or 24 months from now.

It can't all be that black and white. I'm also hearing lots of "give up the fight with SSRI's" yet I have two Dr's (one is a friend) and a therapist telling me it needs to be investigated and not to ignore the possibility, too much at stake. There are thousands of people on antidepressant boards describing exactly what i'm going through, a tonne of them are people that actually were the ones taking the SSRI's and regretting the decisions they made. How can we all ignore that? Both science and the guinea pigs claim it is in fact an issue. Everything I've read is clear that antidepressants require follow-up and/or therapy in accompaniment, tonnes of people are prescribed them and just check-in yearly for a renewal. How can that possibly be safe?

I think you've completely missed the point of DBing. You say you've read the book. You say you've read here. Where did you come up with the idea that DBing is giving up on the marriage? No one has ever said that. I would highly suggest you consider doing more research into these tactics.

Focusing on yourself
GAL
Being the best version of you that you can be through self-improvement
Being detached properly and lovingly (if it helps, google self-differentiation in marriage)
Giving her the time and the space to figure out what she wants

What I want to ask my wife is therapy for herself first, to discuss the situation and changes. I'm hoping the therapist would suggest what my Dr's and therapist recommend which is changing or stopping the SSRI's and alcohol consumption to rule out chemical imbalance. If she does that and still feels the relationship is over, I'll be comfortable moving along knowing we tried and that she's in a better place. Does that make any sense to people here that have gong through this?

My W's doctors and past ICs were all onboard with her two SSRI prescription. It was an uphill battle to get her give those up. In her mind she was suicidal before the SSRIs, and not after. In her mind they saved her life! So essentially my request for her to go off of them was a request for her to give up her life.

I would highly encourage you to step back and look at that quoted paragraph for a minute. "I want to ask my wife......"

So let's role play. Knowing where she is at right now, and her reactions to these types of approaches already, what do you really think her reaction will be? Put yourself in her shoes, and costanza is coming to you, again, and blaming your magical substances on the marital problems: play her and react!

This is the illusion of action playing with your mind. This you focusing too much on her. I think you already have your answer to this question. I think based on what you have posted when you present this plan to her she will tell you it is useless and she wants a D.

I know I can move on, I won't give up on life, I have too much going for me. However my first choice is to resuscitate the relationship my SSRI'd wife has given up on. 10-20 years from now, I don't want to have to tell my daughters, "ya, your mother wanted a divorce so I accepted, supported her decision and stonewalled her, hah, I sure showed her!". That is not the man or example I want my daughters to know. If anything I want to be the man that tried everything to fight for what he believed and loved, even if that means losing my wife. Does this make any sense to any of you or do i need to reread the book?

DBing is not stonewalling. DBing is not giving up. MWD didn't write a book called Divorce Busting to tell LBSs to "give up".

I think you need to reread the book.

Great stuff, thank you so much, you guys are great at explaining the bigger picture.

I can't answer all the questions right now, however the one that sticks out the most to me, is the "focusing on me and detaching". I realize I haven't explained our situation very well and its hard to put it all down in writing, it'd be freakishly long. My wife is not in a great place sometimes. Work is absolutely nuts at the moment and the past few months. She's exhausted from working late nights (from home, not suggesting an affair here). She's rather up/down depending the day and situation. The days/nights i do get out and keep myself busy, she seems to struggle with the load and two kids. So I feel guilty whenever I do leave, I probably shouldn't considering she's willing to do half of it on her own. Also, family and I can see the difference in her after some drinking, it seems to negate the effects of the medication for a short while, so she's a little more of her old self for a little while at least, and actually gets nice, jokes and is affectionate. Until the anxiety kicks in for a day or two following, then the cold SSRI'd version comes back until the next time she drinks.

So all that to say, I feel I'd be abandoning her during a difficult period when she's already at the end of her rope by GALing and focusing on me. Unless i'm being thick and that's part of the point? Help her see how difficult and less fun it is doing it solo part-time?