4 months after BD

[SteveLW]

Long story.
I was married for 18 years and together for 22 years. 2 sons aged 19 and 21.
I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.
Looking back at it I was potentially MLC ing myself. My 50th birthday came up in February this year and something in my head said time to change so I started enjoying life and generally being happier.

First welcome and sorry you are here and going through this! But you will find advice and support here.

As a former alcoholic, my first advice is to go dry, cold turkey. If you have trouble with that get into AA. My life is so much better now than it was when I was drinking! I have been sober for 27 years and will never allow myself to go back to being addicted ever again.

At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room. I challenged her and she said nothing was going on. I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears.
In March she mentioned that she had been to see the doctor for womens problems and he diagnosed her as perimenopausal (starting in November). She laughed and said I'm going to be a b****h for the next 7 years.

Ah yes, classic signs of waywardness. Protective of phone, denials, and "oh I have this condition so get used to it!" pronouncements.

In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man.
She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.

She's lying. When have you ever told someone you loved them after two kisses?

I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".

Yep. MC is not a good idea with a spouse with one foot out the door. They will use to say "we tried everything" or to get you to accept the D.

I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.

AWESOME! Great move. Again, consider getting alcohol completely out of your life. You will be much better for it. DBing is hard, it is impossible when not in your right mind.

However I was so angry, hurt and betrayed and we had many arguments during this time.
"I know you're changing but it's too late for me"
"Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.)
"I love you but not in love with you"
"We are only friends" (Speaking about AP).
" I only kissed him twice"
"It was normal"
"I was only thinking of myself"
"Maybe I should have been more careful to not get caught"
"You made me do it"
"I need to find myself"

Learning to listen and validate would be a first 180! It will change your interactions with her.

Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June) and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?

Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.

Yep, classic cake eating. "I want to leave you, sleep with other men, but play happy family when I w

She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.

This is more than most LBSs get. Most get a "I want a D" and that is it. Maybe some token things. I heard "You are mean." But mostly that it wasn't me, it was her. Certainly most get nothing in writing even if they ask for it.

Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends and can't come back because "Will he trust me again?" "Will he start drinking again?" "Will he check on me every time I go out?".

This is an excuse. What she is really saying here is that she can't trust you not to snoop on her. I was told in my sitch when my wife's plan was to move out, get an apartment and get a job, is that a woman doesn't need her own place to find herself or work on the marriage, she needs her own place to sleep with other people. I know this is not what you want to hear, but that last peace about you checking up on her means that she wants to be free to do what she wants. Only people that have something to hide, try to hide things.

We have only caught up once and that was to discuss our son who is having depression. I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.

We've all been there. However, what is important is what you do from this point forward, not what you've done previously.

During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart.

Trust me, if she admits that much then their contact has been much more. My W's EAP was only a "friend". (He lived several states away.) And then I found the nude photos she had texted him. There is always more than they are willing to admit. Partly because they don't like to admit to icky behavior, part to spare you feelings.

I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together.
BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.

One thing about lying cheaters is that they will lie and cheat until hard evidence is presented. And you cannot believe ANYTHING she says, so stop talking to her about things you cannot trust she will give you the truth. Words are meaningless. Even if she was saying the right things, she cheated and left you. Actions are truth, words are not.

I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".

You have no control over her. I wish this paragraph simply said "I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person". That you can control. You cannot control her opening up or not. So stop fixating on that. ALso stop talking about things. #1 rule of DBing: Never start R talks, and avoid them at all costs. If she starts one, listen and validate, then be the one to end the conversation.

I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time.
"Why would you want to support me after what I've done?"
"AP didn't break up our family, I did"
"Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"

Because I love you and you supported me for so many years.

Galaga, do you think this is making you look strong or weak? Do you think constantly telling her, essentially, "I don't care that you betrayed me, I want to be part of your life no matter what!" This is one of the biggest struggles for LBSs. Do not settle for a cheating spouse, instead move forward living your best life. If she gets interested and comes back, great! If she doesn't, well you are out living your best life!

She had been reaching out a couple of times a week to see how I am (It's pretty obvious that I am devastated) and when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why. I have now changed my interactions with her and a few times she has "thanked" me for making it easier to talk to me. She expects and probably is waiting for me to be angry........
1 That I'm not changing.
2. That my changes aren't genuine.
3. To validate her choice to have an affair, leave our house and walk away from the marriage.

More than likely? OM was keeping her at arms length. So shee needed to keep her plan B on ice. This is not what you want to hear, but you are for now her fall back plan.

However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.

Likely OM is back in the picture so all of her energy is there.

She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.

Yep, Girls Gone Wild behavior is common for a WW.

She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).

Plan B. Maybe some guilt too.

Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".

A little maybe. Most WW are willing to cut ties with just about anyone. Scorched earth. I know WWs that to this day are estranged from their kids. Didn't even attend their kids weddings.

Has most of her gear still at the house and when I offered her financial settlement it was ignored (and it was more than fair). She is living with mutual friends and unfortunately that has damaged my relationship with them.

Yep, she will continue to use you for storage. Very common for a WW that up and leaves When she is ready to really move on she will then decide to get all of it. Also another reason that she is meeting her financial obligations mentioned above. Gives her leverage if you get tough and tell her to get her stuff out of the house.

I know it's been a long road for her to get to this point and know that "if" there is any possibility it would take a long time to resurrect.

Think marathon, not sprint.

I love this woman with all my heart but have no idea who she is or who she has become.
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Most of us have been there. Question: Do you love her enough to let her go if that is what she decides she really wants?

[quote=Galaga]
There is probably more and I may add to this later but I am at a complete loss.

Start by finding and reading Divorce Busting. Also look up LRT, I think it is a valid approach to your current situation. You do not initiate contact. When she does you let it go to voicemail. When she follows up with a text, you only respond to direct questions. But in as few words as possible. No greetings or closings. You just answer the question. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

You are going to have to change how you interact with her. Read everything you can. Read and study sandi's rules. Make sure you are staying busy, GAL! Keep working on yourself, and then study and learn how to become properly and lovingly detached.

Finally embrace that you have no control over her or what she does. Go out and live your best life and give her time and space to make her final decision.